Zhuge Liang's Decision
by Terror of Zanarkand
Summary: The story of Liu Bei's third visit to Zhuge Liang's humble home. Join Bei and his brothers as they fight to secure Liang's services, but is the strategist a genius, or a madman? COMPLETE.
1. Part 1

**Zhuge Liang's Decision **

**Part 1: A Few Good Men**

Liu Bei, Zhang Fei and Guan Yu slowly made their way up a nameless snow-covered mountain for the third time. The trio were on there way to visit the great mystical

strategist Zhuge Liang, and convince him to join them in their struggle. Though Liang had refused twice already, Liu Bei had a good feeling this time.

Halfway up, they stopped to rest.

Guan Yu cleared his throat. "Brother, is it just me, or is this the third time you've made us climb this mountain? Are you trying to wear down the man's resolve?"

Liu Bei ignored the comment. "I am confident that our strange friend shall see the light soon, brothers. If not on this visit, then certainly on our next!'

"My balls are frozen," Zhang Fei complained loudly. "They hadn't even thawed out from last time!"

Liu Bei could see that his brothers needed convincing. "Zhuge Liang will join our cause once he realises that we fight to create a world of peace, where peasants sing songs as they work, where puppies laugh and dance!"

"Laughing. . . puppies?" Zhang Fei shivered.

"Yes! And in case our vision for the future fails to inspire him," He held up a picnic basket, "I made him some delicious cookies!"

"Cookies?" Fei drooled.

"Not for you, for Mr. Liang," Liu Bei said, shielding the basket.

"Yes, I am sure he won't mind being paid in biscuits," Guan Yu muttered. He stroked his beard. It purred contentedly.

"He'd better not. We ain't got any money," Zhang Fei laughed, and started guzzling musou wine.

"Yes," Yu said. "It appears someone drank it all."

"At least I spend money! You might be virtuous, but you sure are a tight-arse!"

Liu Bei leaned against a large rock and sighed. "Will you two shut up? I'm a nice guy, but there's only so much crap I can take!"

Guan Yu flopped down onto the snow. "I still think this is a stupid idea."

On the other side of the mountain, Sun Jian, Sun Ce and Sun Quan slowly ascended a sheer cliff face. Sun Ce, the closest to the top, looked down on the other two.

"Pop, I gotta go to the toilet." Jian ignored him and kept climbing.

"Uh, pop? Toilet? Gotta go bad."

"You'll have to hold it, Ce," Jian said firmly.

"Oh, okay. . .but, like, what if I can't hold it?"

Sun Jian swore. "Ce, you will do as you're told and hold that. . .

"Turd, pop. It's a turd." His stomach rumbled ominously. "Oh, gee. This ain't gonna be pretty."

Jian winced. "Quan, pass me your hat. Now!"

Sun Quan took off his hat and started to eat it. Sun Jian resolved to hit him. _I hate you two so very much._

Above, there was a tiny squeak.

"All clear, pop! Just a little gas."

Relived, Jian sighed. A short while later, the Suns sat panting on the cliff ledge.

Sun Ce flexed a sweaty arm. "Oh yeah. Check these babies out!" Muscles battled for supremacy.

When no-one said anything, he stopped thinking and went to sit with Sun Quan, who sat with his legs dangling over the edge of the cliff, still chewing his hat.

Sun Jian closed his eyes. _Zhou Yu, why did that chandelier have to fall on YOU?_, he thought. _Ce was only one chair to the left, and Quan one to the right_. . . _Without you, who will keep Ce from screwing up the kingdom when I die? _Though it hadn't been proven, an assassin was said to have been involved in Yu's death.

He shook his head. He needed another strategist, fast. Zhou Yu wasn't the only one to die that night; Lu Meng had been killed by bad fish, leaving Wu without a pompous-up-himself-know-it-all egomanic to guide them.

Jian had decided to seek out Zhuge Liang. The man was said to be able to predict the future with 99.9 percent accuracy, and was rumoured to be in the market for a worthy lord.

"Why we up here again, pop," he heard his eldest son ask.

"Ce, if you ask me that one more time, I won't be the only one who wishes you'd never been born." _Why are my sons so stupid? Shang Xiang is rather bright, if a little bitchy. Maybe she should rule when I'm gone. . ._

He looked over to see his sons sitting on the very edge of the cliff. _It would be so simple to just push them both off. . ._

Ce turned around to find Sun Jian barely three feet away, with his arms outstretched towards them. "Pop, what are you doing?"

"Uhhh. . .n-nothing! We should get moving!" _If I can walk with a couple of pains in my arse. . ._

"I spy with my little eye, something beginning with. . .," Xiahou Yuan thought carefully. "E!"

Xiahou Dun roared and clouted his brother with the flat of his scimitar.

Cao Cao chuckled. "Relax, cousin, it's just a little game. I'm sure Yuan completely forgot that you only have one eye."

"Is it E for 'eyeball?'," Dun growled at his brother.

Yuan nodded reluctantly, rubbing his face. "You're getting pretty good at this."

"It was eyeball the last seven times," Dun shouted. "Honestly, you eat _one_ eyeball and suddenly everyone thinks you're a lunatic. . ."

Xiahou Yuan and Cao Cao both looked away.

"Right, right, I've got one, " Cao Cao announced a moment later. "I spy with my little eye, something beginning with H."

Dun, glad it wasn't E again, cast about for the answer. "Hill," he said triumphantly, pointing to one in the distance.

"No, no. I'll give you a hint: some of us like it between two pieces of bread."

Yuan began to guess randomly. "Rock. Snow. Sky. Mountain. Snow. . ."

Dun finally gave up. "What is it, Cao Cao?"

"Are you sure? Oh, all right, then. H is for. . .human flesh! Ahahahaha!"

Xiahou Dun's face turned crimson. "Honestly, you take _one_ little nibble and suddenly everyone thinks you're a cannibal!"

"Cousin, you ate Gou Jia. I think that makes you a cannibal."

"C-could you not use that term?"

Yuan sniggered. "Still haven't come to terms with your cannibality? Gee, who'd have thought eating his own eye would give brother Dun a taste for human flesh?"

"Shut up!"

"How amusing," Cao Cao said in a sing-song voice. "I will go down in legend as the Hero of Chaos. Xiahou Yuan will be remembered as a master archer, and you shall always be known as a flesh eating cyclops. Ahahahaha!"

Dun swore and stormed on ahead. "Let's just get this over with!"

Cao looked down his nose at Yuan. "Now look what you did! We must keep a close 'eye' on him, cousin-aha! If Dun eats this Zhuge Liang as well, Wei will be doomed to employ that cross-dressing _he-she-thing _Sima Yi. Seriously, that Zhang He is one metrosexual man-maiden too many."

Xiahou Yuan grimaced at the mention of Zhang He, then sprinted to catch up with Dun. "Brother, wait! I've got a good one! Eye spy. . ." _THUNK!_

And so the three groups of heroes struggled on towards the summit, each hoping to woo the great Zhuge Liang to their side.


	2. Part 2

Disclaimer: I forgot to put a disclaimer in last time, so this will have to go for all the parts: I do not own Dynasty Warriors. . .what, you knew that?

**Part 2: Wait- There's Actually a Part 2?**

The brothers from Shu trekked through the snow for two hours before Liu Bei called for another break. They found a cave close by.

Guan Yu brushed snow from his beard. It yawned and stretched. "Brother, are we lost?"

"I know which way is up. That should be enough to get us there."

"Who cares, anyway?." Zhang Fei thumped his chest. "Let's eat!"

Liu Bei sighed. "I suppose we could eat now." He broke out the pork buns.

Fei shoved two buns into his mouth and swallowed without chewing. He reached for another, but Liu Bei pulled them away. "Touch another and you die."

A bun dissappeared into Guan Yu's beard. "Brother, I have a question. If we have climbed this mountain three times now, how is it that Zhang Fei is still fat? Despite consuming his entire body weight in food and drink in one sitting, he eats no more than we do on these treks, all-in-all. He should have lost weight, yet if anything, he seems to have gotten even fatter."

Liu Bei shrugged.

"Have you checked the cookies," Zhang Fei whispered eerily, then laughed.

Liu Bei thought for a moment, then paled. "Dear god, no!"

He opened the picnic basket. It was empty. The cookies, the cookies that could have decided the fate of a nation, were gone.

"ZHANGFEIYOUFATBASTARD!" Liu Bei drew a knife and fork and pounced on Fei.

"I MADE THOSE COOKIES WITH _LOVE AND_ _CARE_, WITH SUCH _ATTENTION TO DETAIL_ THAT WOULD ENSURE THAT MR. LIANG WOULD JOIN US! _**AND YOU JUST F#ING ATE THEM**!"_

Guan Yu pulled his enraged brother off his mentally retarded one. "Okay, I don't want to know why you needed a fork, but that's beside the point. I cannot let you kill our brother just because he is a thoughtless, greedy idiot." He wrestled the cutlery from his brother. "If it is any consolation, I doubt that Zhuge Liang would have joined us simply because you made him cookies. We are not all like Zhang Fei here."

"I find your lack of faith in my baking prowess disturbing," Liu Bei yelled. "The man lives on a mountain, for god's sake. He probably hasn't tasted cookie in years!'"

Guan Yu sighed. "I'm sure he gets by, brother. Now, apologise to Zhang Fei and we can forget this ever happened."

Liu Bei calmed down. "Sorry about trying to ea- kill you, Zhang Fei," he muttered reluctantly.

"Bah, the cookies make up for it!" Fei burped loudly. Liu Bei narrowed his eyes.

Liu Bei kicked the empty basket out of the cave and over the side of the mountain. "Let's get moving. We can rest at the top; I'm sure it can't be far now."

They set off again. As Liu Bei passed Zhang Fei, he whispered, "Just remember, fat boy. If Mr. Liang doesn't join us this time, the crumbs are on your hands. I will see you swing from the top of this mountain by your short and curlies. Then I'll eat you."

A short time later they saw Cao Cao, Xiahou Yuan and Xiahou Dun climbing the rocky trail ahead of them. Zhang Fei and Guan Yu hefted their spears.

""Ho, Cao Cao," Liu Bei called cheerfully. "What are you doing up here on such a fine day?"

Cao Cao turned and saw Liu Bei. "Oh, not that goody-good bastard again. Yuan, shoot him!"

Xiahou Yuan raised his bow and reached over his shoulder. "Hey, where are my arrows?"

"Mwahaha," Xiahou Dun laughed triumphantly. "I threw them off a cliff! Up yours, fat arse!" He drew his sword. "Fear not, Lord Cao Cao! _I_ shall slay Liu Be- " Yuan jammed his bow up Dun's nose.

"I am here to seek an audience with the great Mr. Liang," Liu Bei said helpfully. "He will join us in our struggle for peace and happiness!"

Cao Cao pretended to vomit. "Oh, yeah, right! As if the greatest strategist in the land would join a self-righteous little wanker like you! Peace and happiness went out with the Han. Violence and debucherury are _in,_ baby! Zhuge Liang will join Wei, and soon all the land will fall to Cao Cao! Ahahahaha!"

Behind him, Xiahou Dun extracted a snot-covered bow from his nostril.

"Be careful, brother," Guan Yu murmered. "The man refers to himself in third person."

Liu Bei spread his arms and looked up at Cao Cao. "Don't you already have a strategist? Gou. . .you know?"

"Gou Jia. . .died."

"Of illness," Dun added. "Completely natural."

Yuan coughed and looked away. "Only natural to you."

After a moment of silence, Cao Cao burst out laughing. He pointed at his cousin. "Xiahou Dun ate him!"

Dun shrieked. "You promised you wouldn't tell anyone!"

Cao Cao ignored him. "Yes, it seems that one helping of eye candy wasn't enough!" He tapped Dun's eye-patch.

"You're blowing this out of all proportion! I like to snack. . .

Guan Yu shook his head. "First the man re-invents cannibalism by eating himself, then he becomes a psychotic serial killer with a taste for blood."

Liu Bei nodded nodded. "I think we can all relate."

Guan Yu and Zhang Fei cringed at the memory of eating a woman's arms. Liu Bei just looked hungry.

"Brother," Zhang Fei said cautiously. "You haven't. . .I mean, you're not. . .We swore that eating that broad was a one-time thing, right?"

"Ah-HA," Cao Cao yelled. "I knew it! You're one of. . ._them!_"

"I am _not_ one of _them! _It was just that one time. The farmer killed his wife to feed us because he had nothing else to offer!"

"Oh, yes. I can imagine. 'Sorry, Lord Liu Bei, the crops haven't been brought in yet.' 'Don't worry, I'm sure we can work something out. . . Braaaiiiinnnsssssss. . .' "

"I DID NOT EAT HER GODDAMN BRAINS!"

"What, couldn't find a recipe?"

Guan Yu cleared his throat. "Um, brother? Earlier you attacked Zhang Fei with a knife and fork. . ."

"I don't remember that."

"You said you'd eat me," Zhang Fei yelled.

"Eeeww," - everyone except Xiahou Dun and Liu Bei and Zhang Fei.

"Gee, and I thought you were supposed to be the good guy," Xiahou Yuan muttered.

"I am the good guy! I just have a few minor quirks. . ."

"Quirks," Cao Cao pressed. "As in plural? Gods, don't tell me you're gay, too."

Liu Bei shifted uneasily.

Zhang Fei nudged him. "Um, brother, when Zhao Yun said 'Lord Liu Bei, I give my spear in your service!', I don't think he meant. . .

Xiahou Dun raised a hand hesistantly. "Look, Cao Cao, I don't know if it's my place, but shouldn't we. . .you know, KILL THEM NOW?

Cao Cao went blank. "What? Oh, right, yes! Dun, Yuan, atta-"

"Hey, dudes!" Everyone turned to see Sun Ce approaching, Sun Quan lopping along beside him. "What's up?"

Cao Cao groaned. "Go away!"

"Aw, don't be like that, gramps!" Cao Cao's eyes bulged. Ce looked around. "Whatcha all doing out here?"

Liu Bei stepped forward. "We have all come to speak with the great Mr. Liang, in the hope that he will join one of our respective forces in the capacity of strategist."

"Hey, pop's here to see the hermit guy, too!"

"Oh, come on," Cao Cao protested. "I was here first! Why can't you all just bugger off?"

Liu Bei drew himself up. "It was my idea to come here in the first place!"

Cao Cao sneered. "And you've only had it- what, like a dozen times? Give someone else a crack, you selfish bastard."

"Yeah, like pop!"

"Piss off, inbred!" Cao Cao snapped.

Xiahou Yuan craned his neck. "Where is Sun Jian, anyway? He shouldn't leave children unsupervised."

Sun Ce looked worried. "I dunno. He had to go peepees and left us alone in a cave. He said 'wait here, I'll be back soon- heh heh.' We waited like, forever, but he didn't come back. He must've gotten lost."

No-one said anything. Yuan coughed quietly. Zhang Fei farted.

". . .what," Ce asked.

Cao Cao cleared his throat. "Did it ever occur to you that maybe your father just LEFT YOU IDIOTS IN THAT CAVE TO DIE, WITH ABSOLUTLY NO INTENTION OF EVER COMING BACK?

Silence.

Sun Ce's bottom lip trembled. ". . .Aaaaaaaahaaaaaaaahh! Why, pop, why? Aaaaaaaaaaahaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!' Sun Quan made a keening sound.

Liu Bei looked from Cao Cao, to the sobbing Sun Ce, then back to Cao Cao. "You are one evil son-of-a-bitch."

"Ahahahaha- I know."


	3. Part 3

**Disclaimer:** I am not obsessed with cannibals.

**Part 3: Part 3 Wasn't Allowed to Have a Name**

Sun Ce wrapped himself around Cao Cao's leg. "Naaaaaaaaaaaaaaahh! Pop don't love us no more!"

"Get the hell off me!"

"Cling on," Xiahou Dun hollered, hefting his scimitar and charging for Sun Ce.

Cao Cao saw him coming and screamed, frantically trying to shake Ce free.

Guan Yu turned to his brothers. "Okay, I'll go out on a limb here and say that Sun Jian married his sister, or something."

Dun closed ground. "Hang on, Boss!" He raised his sword.

Sun Quan shambled out in front of him. The Wei general tripped and was pitched forward into Cao Cao.

The four went down in a heap, with Ce biting Cao Cao's hamstring.

"Aaaaahhh! God, what is it with you people? Do I look like a goddamn dim sum?'"

Elbowing Sun Ce in the face, he fought his way out of the pile up. His gaze locked on Liu Bei.

_Oh, God I hate you, you peasant-munching bastard! _"Somebody kill Liu Bei!"

Xiahou Yuan moved to oblige. Zhang Fei jabbed him in the crotch with the butt of his spear while Guna Yu smacked him in the face with the flat of Black Dragon's blade. Liu Bei laughed virtuously as Yuan was beaten mercilessly.

Xiahou Dun was staggered towards the edge of a cliff with Quan and Ce clinging to him. "GET THEM OFF ME!"

"I shall not forget your sacrifice for the greater good, cousin," Cao Cao yelled, carrying the one in his head and booting Dun up the rear. "Two for the price of one is a fair deal."

Dun screamed and flailed as he was propelled towards the cliff edge. He fell forward and saw the jagged rocks below reaching up for him. His life flashed before his eye. He was at Xia Pi again. _Hey, I remember this place. . .oh shit! Aaarrrrgh! _He remembered the arrow hitting his eye. He remembered pulling the shaft out, and being suprised to find his eye still stuck on it. _So creamy. . .No! Get a hold of yourself, man!. . .But. It. Looks. So. Good. _He remembered lifting it to his face, opening his mouth wide and- wait. . .He remembered closer. In his dead eye he saw the reflection of someone standing off to the side, holding a bow. Lu Bu? No, too short. Cao Xing? Too fat. He remembered harder. It was. . .

Xiahou Yuan.

"AAARRRGH!" Dun came flying back over the ledge, the Suns still attached to him.

Yuan looked up from where he lay curled in the fetal position.

'YOU SHOT ME! YOU FRIGGIN' SHOT ME! AT XIA PI! I KILLED AND ATE CAO ZHANG FOR NOTHING!"

"How did you know- I mean, no I didn't! . . .Wait, you did WHAT? I said Cao _Xing_ shot you! Cao Zhang was Cao Cao's son!"

". . .Eh? Well, I- THAT'S HARDLY THE POINT! WHAT THE HELL DID YOU SHOOT ME FOR?"

"I-I was aiming for Cao Xing- see, it was his fault!"

Dun's fist's alternately said hello to Yuan's face.

Liu Bei looked to his brothers. "If I ever get that bad, promise me you'll- "

"Fear not, brother," Guan Yu assured him. "If you ever get as bad as Xiahou Dun, we will certainly kill you to end your suffering."

"Um, actually I was going ask if you'd help me murder drifters."

". . .O. . .kay. . .-Moving on, perhaps we should take this opportunity to proceed unhindered up the mountain?"

"Yes, of course," Liu Bei agreed. The brothers from Shu continued upwards.

Cao Cao watched them depart with frustration. "Stop! You can't just. . .Get back. . .kill!- arrgh! God damn you!" He turned back to his generals. Dun had Yuan in a headlock.

Dun: "Die, you scum!"

Yuan: "_Help meeee!"_

Sun Ce and Quan: "Naaaahhhhh!"

Cao Cao: "_WILL EVERYBODY JUST STUP THE HELL UP?"_

Utter silence.

"Liu Bei is getting away because of you two!" Dun and Yuan disentangled reluctantly. Cao Cao turned his attention and his pulsating vein to Ce and Quan, "You, piss off." They complied, but didn't go far.

He focused on Dun. "Now, as you ate one of my children, I am inclined to take Yuan's side in this matter. What happened to your eye- ahahaah! Ohahahaho- Ahahahah! AHAHAHAHAH!- Ahem, sorry about that. As I was saying, it was a tragic accident. Yuan can hardly be blamed because your head was between him and Cao Xing. Now quit your whingeing. '_Oooo,_ Yuan shot me!'- who gives a shit? Not me, that's who."

Dun's mouth was hanging open. "But- but-."

Cao Cao turned and hurried after Liu Bei, Xiahou Yuan, Sun Ce and Sun Quan following him.

"B-b-but he. . ."

"Come along, cousin!"

"But my eye. . ." He stopped stammering and considered his options. After a moment, he smiled thinly. "Coming, Lord Cao Cao!"

As he ran to catch up, Dun looked down at the great scimitar at his hip. "We're coming, aren't we. . .Yuankiller? Ahahahahah!"

"What was that?" He looked up just in time to stop himself colliding with Xiahou Yuan.

"Uh, I said, uh- no hard feelings, that's all!"

Yuan grinned and clapped Dun on the shoulder. "Gee, great!"

The Wei and Wu officers continued after Liu Bei.

**Right, let's get something straight:** I don't like Xiahou Yuan, so in part 4 he's going to die- I just don't know how yet. Feel free to review this and let me know your ideas for the fat man's demise.


	4. Part 4

Okay, Part 4's pretty long by my standards, but that's because I promised to kill Xiahou Yuan this chapter, and I had to fill in stuff before I got to that bit. I'll do the idea-credit-thing at the end.

**Part 4: Wrath of the Warchicken**

It was getting dark now on the nameless mountain.

Guan Yu stopped suddenly and held his spear out to block his brothers' path.

Liu Bei walked into it, breaking his nose with an audible crack.

"Ut th phuk," he gurgled angrily.

Zhang Fei's bulk slammed him from behind. His face cracked into Black Dragon again.

"THUDIP PHUKER," he screamed, blood pumping from his nose.

Zhang Fei looked about, oblivious to his brother's wailing. "What did we stop for?"

"Pray be silent, brothers," Guan Yu urged. "Someone is nearby."

Bei and Fei went quiet, and the three crouched behind a boulder. After a minute, Liu Bei peeked out.

"I don't see anything. . . are you sure there's someone out there?"

"Let us be certain," Guan Yu said, reaching up to his chin. With a sharp tug and a crackle of velcro he removed his beard. Gently, he set it down in the snow. He rose after whispering briefly to it.

Liu Bei and Zhang Fei watched in horror as the beard drew itself up on four small legs and scampered up the path ahead. Guan Yu folded his arms and nodded with pride as it disappeared from sight, cutting a path through the snow.

After a while he noticed his brothers were staring at him. "What?"

Liu Bei looked away. "Your, um, beard. . ."

"That's some really weird shit," Zhang Fei mumbled.

Guan Yu scratched his velcro-coated chin, perplexed. "It is perfectly natural."

"100 cotton, you mean?"

"I must say, Guan Yu, it is a bit odd that you can do that," Liu Bei added.

"Look, it is COMPLETELY NORMAL!"

"We wouldn't know; we're-" Fei coughed. "_I'm _not a freak!"

Guan Yu went purple. "What are you implying, you fat shit-"

Liu Bei pointed. "Look! Your facial hair is returning!"

The beard plowed back through the snow towards them, jabbering urgently. Guan Yu bent and scooped it up, sticking it back on his jaw while making ga-ga noises to it.

"Jeez, get a room," Fei muttered under his breath.

"Well," Liu Bei demanded impatiently, "Is there someone up there?"

Guan Yu looked up. "Yes. Lord Sun Jian is up there. But Beard also said that Cao- "

Cao Cao, Xiahou Dun, Xiahou Yuan, Sun Ce and Sun Quan came running up the rocky slope below. Guan Yu and Zhang Fei turned to Liu Bei for orders, but he was already gone.

"Speed is a virtue! Move your arses," he yelled over his shoulder. He had a good thirty-foot lead on his brothers.

"There they are!" Cao Cao shouted. "Dun, Yuan, kill_ them!"_ The brothers from Wei took off after Liu Bei.

Xiahou Dun ran several paces behind Yuan. His brother's large frame practically blocked out the stars.

_But he's FAT! How can he be faster than me? _With a grunt Dun put on a burst of speed, extending his scimitar towards Yuan's back. _Almost got him. . . almost. . . _

The blade's tip grazed his brother's armour.

Dun snarled and threw his weight forward in an attempt to plunge the sword home. He missed his target and stumbled.

Gritting his teeth, he righted himself and ran on. He raised his scimitar high as he slowly closed the gap again.

Yuan ran faster, still unaware of his impending doom. Dun cursed as he fell further behind.

Cao Cao drew alongside him. "Cousin . . .are you trying to- "

"COME HERE, YOU BLOATED SACK OF SHIT! I'M GOING TO SPIT YOU LIKE A PIG!"

"I'll take that as a yes, shall I?"

Xiahou Yuan finally looked over his shoulder. On many levels he wished he hadn't. "I thought you said no hard feelings!"

"You won't have any when _I_ catch you!"

Sun Jian stood at the summit of the mountain. Before him was a huge, iron-barred fence with a sturdy gate, and beyond that, against all odds, was a perfectly manicured garden. Attached to the gate was a note:

IT WOULD NOT BE FAIR TO OPEN THE GATE UNTIL ALL OF THE GUESTS HAVE ARRIVED. AND YES, LORD SUN JIAN, I REALLY CAN SEE THE FUTURE. -ZL

_Other guests? What the hell's that supposed to mean? _Sun Jian gripped the bars of the gate and shook it. The 6 foot wide, 10 foot tall barrier rattled noisily, but otherwise didn't move. Past the garden he could see firelight coming from inside a cave "Argh, open up!"

Something rustled through the bushes inside the fence. Jian squinted into the growing darkness, but saw nothing. He thought he heard a growl, but probably imagined it.

"Son of a bitch," Jian cursed, bashing against the bars. "It's not fair!"_ Why does this shit always happen to me? I mean, I'm basically a good guy. Maybe not kiss-peasant-arse-good like that Liu Bei, but I think I hold my own in the hero stakes._

With a sigh, he slumped down against a boulder to wait. _He has to come out sooner or later. . . _

"Greetings, Ancestor of the Three Kingdoms," a serene voice said.

Sun Jian's head snapped up, but he couldn't see where the voice had come from. _Ancestor?_ "Who's there? What are the Three Kingdoms?"

The voice sighed. "Just a little project I've been working on. It's almost ready." Behind the gate, a man in a white coat materialized. He held a chicken by the legs and was fanning himself with it.

"I apologise," the man said. "My body was on a higher plain of existence."

Jian gaped. "W- what are. . . you're Zhuge Liang!"

The mystic fanned himself. "Very astute, Lord Sun Jian. With such intelligence you may one day conquer the alphabet."

_My God, the man's holding a chicken. . . _Jian thought. "Hey wait- how did you know my name?"

"I know everything. I am next in line for the throne of God. My wisdom is infinite. Everything that I do has great meaning."

"Okay. . . then what's with the. . .warchicken? I heard you were married, but that's a bit strange."

Sun Jian watched the strategist's impassive face for a few moment, then brightened. "Hey, does that make you a cock?"

". . . Nobody likes a smart arse, Lord Sun Jian." Zhuge Liang aimed his bird at the warrior. "Least of all me."

A pillar of golden light leaped from the chicken's open beak. Sun Jian watched wide-eyed as it shot through the darkness and burned a glowing yin-yang symbol into the boulder he stood near. After a second, the rock exploded in a shower of jagged fragments.

Zhuge Liang slung the chicken over his shoulder and walked off towards his cave. "I will let you know when I wish to speak with you."

Jian spat out stone dust "Hey, HEY! Get. . .back. . ."

He sighed. "Cluck it all."

"Are you sure this is the right place," Sun Shang Xiang asked, reining her horse in. Ling Tong and Gan Ning pulled up to her right, Huang Gai to her left. The older man gazed upwards at the mountain silhouetted against an over-sized, rising full moon. At the peak's very top, a tiny point of light flickered.

"Yes, my lady. We must make haste and find your father."

Shang Xiang nodded. One day after Sun Jian's departure for the nameless mountain, an investigation into Zhou Yu's untimely death had revealed shocking new evidence. It was discovered that on the night of the feast Knowing that Jian could be in mortal danger, the four officers rushed to his aid.

"We can only hope we're not too late," she whispered.

Gan Ning scratched his head. "Personally, I don't really give a shit if he lives or dies."

The others turned to him, on the verge of drawing their weapons.

"What? Ex-pirate, ex-pirate hunter- not that tough, really."

Ling Tong twirled his nunchaku. He turned puppy-eyed to Shang Xiang. "Lady Sun, watch as I punish this wretch for you! Die, traitor!"

He spun his weapon at the pirate. Gan Ning ducked, and Ling Tong cracked himself in the head.

"The future of Wu," Huang Gai muttered sadly, dismounting.

Ling Tong slid out of his saddle and hit the ground with a thud. Gan Ning stepped on him as he dismounted smoothly. Wiping his feet, he hopped down beside Gai.

Shang Xiang leaped from her horse onto Huang Gai's shoulders, wrapping her arms around his neck. She pointed up the mountain "Let's go! We have to tell father! Oh, and Gan Ning gets to carry Ling Tong."

Gan Ning folded his arms. "Nuh-uh! No way am I carrying the smarmy little bitch."

Jian's daughter moved in a blur, coming up behind the pirate and holding a chakram between his legs. "I'm sorry, what was that," she asked sweetly.

Ling Tong sat up, rubbing his head. "Don't waste your time, Lady Sun. He doesn't have any balls."

Gan Ning gave Tong the finger. "Go screw a dog."

"Fine, I will!"

"I'm going ahead to find our lord," Huang Gai boomed over the argument. "Anyone who feels like joining me had better keep up."

Sun Shang Xiang hopped back onto Gai's shoulders, grabbing his ears. "Move out!"

Ling Tong gave a sharp salute. "I'll do whatever you say, Lady Sun," he drooled dreamily.

Gan Ning coughed. "So long as it doesn't require more than five brain cells."

"Get stuffed."

The four officers began their climb, bringing with them their important news.

"Sun Jian," Liu Bei called happily, seeing the ruler of Wu's dark shape against the lighter stone.

Jian looked up. "What? Liu Bei?" _Great, just what I need; a whining, preachy little dickhead to get in my way. _"What the hell are you doing up here?"

Bei grinned good-naturedly. "Why, I'm here for the same reason as you! Sun Ce and Quan told me you were looking to recruit Zhuge Liang."

_Oh, yeah, that'd be right. Try and take the most eligible man in China for yourself._ "Look, I'll be damned if I came all the way up this bloody mountain just so you could come in and. . . hang on, Sun Ce and. . .and. . ." It sank in. "OH, YOU HAVE GOT TO BE SHITTING ME!"

"Pop! You, like, totally abandoned us!" Sun Ce and Sun Quan pushed past Liu Bei and his brothers. "You're, like, a total asshole!"

Jian drew his sword. "Right, I am going to kill you both."

"Heartwarming," Guan Yu commented dryly.

Behind the brothers from Shu, Cao Cao struggled to keep Xiahou Dun an Yuan apart.

"A head for an eye," Dun yelled

"Feeling hungry, are we?" Yuan countered.

"Hell yeah," came the reply. Yuan blanched.

"Break it up or I'll gut the both of you," Cao Cao fumed.

Liu Bei climbed up onto a large rock and raised his arms. "Will you all be quiet? Can't we all just _get along_?

Everyone just stared at him.

Liu Bei glared at them. "What? What did I say?"

"Hippie," Cao Cao accused. "Go back to. . .Stupidland!"

Guan Yu raised a hand. "Look, why don't we all just sit down and wait for Zhuge Liang to let us in. We can settle our disagreements _after_ he decides who's forces he shall join."

There was reluctant agreement all around, mainly because no-one wanted to argue with the hairy wookie-man. The officers sat down in a circle and started a campfire in the middle.

Then there was silence, save for the crackling of the fire. It went on for several minutes, until Sun Jian spoke. "Sun Ce?"

"Yeah?"

"I hate you."

More time passed.

Cao Cao shook his head. "I really don't know why you're all here. It's obvious that Zhuge Liang will join _me."_

"Three cheers for lord Cao Cao," Yuan shouted.

"Aye," seconded Dun, his singular eye scanning the gathering. He blinked. Officers whispered and chuckled quietly. "What? Is something wrong?"

Guan Yu cleared his throat and explained. "You said 'aye.' You only have one eye. It was. . . funny."

"Aargh! That's ridiculous! Just because I say 'aye', doesn't mean- "

"Liang will join me," Sun Jian said firmly. I am the land's on true hero."

"As if a friggin' pirate would know anything,' Cao Cao muttered.

"I was a pirate _hunter_."

"Like I give a shit."

"I've had enough," Liu Bei said firmly. "If Zhuge Liang won't come out, I say one of us climbs the fence and opens the gate!"

Cao and Jian agreed. "But who?"

Xiahou Dun grinned deviously. "How about Xiahou Yuan does it?"

"What? Me? I'm not going to- "

"Perfect," Cao Cao said, clapping his hands together. He went over and began whispering to Yuan. "Right, as soon as you're over the fence, make a run for the cave and do your best to sell us to Zhuge Liang. I'm counting on you, cousin!"

"Now go unlock the gate so we can do everything all fair-like."

Before Yuan could say anything, Guan Yu and Zhang Fei grabbed him by the arms and hauled him to his feet. With little effort they tossed the thrashing, yelling man over the fence.

Yuan hit the ground on the other side hard, rolling into a stone lantern pillar. He groaned and sat up. Around him he could see vast and elaborately designed flower arrangements, and many bushes. A small, man-made river trickled somewhere nearby.

The full moon gave off enough light to see by. Yuan stood up, but was unable to see the mystic's cave. He turned back to the fence, to see the others crowded close to it.

Xiahou Dun grinned and waved enthusiastically.

"You bastard! You one-eyed monster! I swear, when I- "

"Get a move on, cousin! Run and tell Zhuge Liang how totally fab I am!"

Liu Bei and Sun Jian glared at him. "You treacherous piece of shit!"

Cao Cao smirked. "I can't help it if you're gullible."

"Even I saw that coming," Zhang Fei muttered.

Xiahou Yuan ran off through the garden, looking for the glimmer of firelight. He looked back at the officers of Shu and Wu. "In your face, losers! Zhuge Liang will join Lord Cao Cao! Hahaha- "

Something growled from the bushes off to the side. Yuan froze. He turned his head slowly. Nothing. He kept walking, more quickly now. Bushes rustled. A twig snapped.

Yuan hefted his club. "Who's there? Show yourself!"

Something darted out of the bushes towards him. He caught a glimpse of narrow golden eyes, gnashing yellow fangs and a wild unibrow, before he realised he'd just been impaled. Another vicious attack saw his head slide from his shoulders and bounce to the grass like a basket ball.

Yue Ying, on all-fours scooped the head up and examined it. She didn't think it a great specimen, so she kicked it back over the fence.

Xiahou Dun caught it on the other side. "Hello again, brother. Oh, this is a good day. . ."

**And there it is. **Thanks to animesage for Yuan's death, and alsothanks to The Providence Crow and MasamuneDate for their ideas (I might still be able to work them in somewhere, but obviously not to kill Xiahou Yuan.)


	5. Part 5

**Disclaimer: **Part 5 ispretty pointless. It does nothing whatsoever to add to the story (not that there's much of one, anyway). I only wrote it because I liked the idea, and because I didn't think Xiahou Yuan had suffered enough.

**Part 5: A Whole New Ballgame **

Xiahou Dun shook the severed head, checking to see if it rattled. After careful examination, he set it on the ground and raised his scimitar. "Time to reveal the delicious creamy centre!"

Cao Cao stepped in and snatched up the head. "I don't think so, you psychotic bastard! Yuan failed _me_. _I_ decide what we do with the head- and we won't be eating it!"

"Give me the head, Lord Cao Cao," Dun said evenly.

"No!"

"Head."

"NO!"

"Gimme," Dun growled, looking evil in the firelight. He made a grab for it.

Cao Cao shrieked and blindly passed it to the next officer: Sun Quan. "Baaaaaall," he drooled happily.

Xiahou Dun turned to him. "Give it to me, you little spastic!"

Quan nodded and grinned, then started to walk off with the head. Towards the fire.

"Give me that head," Dun yelled, brandishing his blade.

Sun Jian slapped his forehead, but then smirked as an idea formed. "Go, Quan! Run with the ball!" _Yes, run and die! Ahahahaha!_

"All right, football!" Sun Ce yelled, crash-tackling Sun Quan and wrestling the head free.

Jian cheered, watching Xiahou Dun bear down on his sons. "That's right, Ce- football!" _Even better. . ._

Sun Ce passed the 'ball' to Guan Yu, who caught it reflexively. "You're on our team, Beardo!"

"What?" He looked down at Xiahou Yuan's horrified expression. "I truly feel for you." He tossed it away. To Sun Jian.

"_I _don't want the bloody thing," the Wu ruler screeched, fleeing as Dun charged.

Cao Cao groaned as Xiahou Dun continued his wild run.

Behind the fence, Yue Ying watched in confusion. The outsiders seemed to take great pleasure from kicking her discarded trophy around. With a shrug and a grunt, she dragged Yuan's headless corpse off into the bushes.

Sun Jian watched Dun warily, the campfire now between them.

Dun stepped left. So did Jian. They circled the fire.

"Back off, freakshow!"

"Give me the head."

"If I do, will you stop trying to kill me?"

"Tiger of Jiang Dong. . . eyeball. . . eye of the tiger. . ."

Sun Jian frantically cocked his arm and sentYuan's head flying back to Sun Ce, who kicked it to Cao Cao.

Cao caught it readily. Xiahou Dun, consumed with rage, closed in.

The Hero of Chaos hurled the head at Liu Bei. It smashed him in the face, twisting his broken nose even further. "Play ball, hippie!"

Liu Bei fell back, dazed. The head bounced away and rolled to a stop near the campfire.

The officers fanned out around the fire. Dun ran in to seize the ball, shouldering Zhang Fei and Sun Jian out of his way.

Finally, he had it in his hands again. Bracing himself for a taste sensation, Dun held the head high, lowering it slowly towards his open mouth. _You shot my eye, I eat your head! How's that for irony, fat boy?_

Sun Ce rammed Dun from behind, sending him falling forward. He fumbled the head. It rose into the air, turning slowly over and over. Dun rolled onto his back in time to see Yuan's face. He could have sworn it winked.

The head landed in the fire with a light thud, sending thesparks flying.

Xiahou Dun's eye bulged. Cao Cao opened his mouth to speak, but found he couldn't form words. Liu Bei wiped blood from his face and stared blankly. His brothers whispered to each other in hushed tones. Sun Jian sighed at a lost opportunity. Sun Quan gaped at the pretty light.

Sun Ce threw an arm around Dun's shoulder. "Was that not totally awesome, my man?"

". . . . . . . .Take your arm off me. Now." Something in Dun's eye told anyone who cared to look that he was now insane- more insane than before.

Ce backed up. "Okay, scary dude. . .I won the game though, right?"

Xiahou Yuan's head rolled out of the the blaze, trailing flames. Liu Bei screamed shrilly as it rolled towards him.

"Whoa, it's so totally still on," Sun Ce exclaimed, grinning as Bei ran for cover.

Black Dragon lanced downwards, blocking the head's path. Guan Yu batted it away.

The fireball shot about the summit as officers parried desperately to keep it away. The head tore towards the ruler of Wei. Cao Cao ducked. Behind him ducked Zhang Fei, then behind him Sun Ce. Sun Quan stared dumbly as the missile homed in on his head. Ce reached up and yanked his brother down at the last second.

"Damn," Sun Jian cursed.

Xiahou Dun howled like a wolf and ran after the fiery object. By this point he had descended fully into the happy world of madness and hallucinations.

The head zoomed over Liu Bei. The Shu ruler sighed with relief, then looked up to see his hair was on fire. "Aieee! HOTHOTHOT!" He ran around in a circle waving his arms as Fei and Yu tried to catch him and put him out.

Cao Cao cackled as he watched the show, but sobered somewhat when he looked again to Dun. The man was screaming about the voices in his head.

Yuan's head bounced off a rock, and the warriors scattered as it came flying back. Zhang Fei deflected it as it went by, sending it wide and causing a shower of sparks. Sun Jian hurled himself out of the way.

The head sailed through the air like a meteor. Sun Ce jumped high and slammed a kick into it. He landed and stamped his foot to put out the flames.

The burning head crunched into the iron fence, rebounding and hurtling straight for Xiahou Dun.

Dun saw it coming. He saw Yuan's unmarred face bearing down on him, laughing insanely. 'You'll never get rid of me, brother! I CANNOT DIE!"

He swung his scimitar like a baseball bat, sending the fiery head arcing up into the night sky. It disappeared from sight.

Guan Yu let out a low whistle.

"I WIN," Dun proclaimed, grinning widly. Everyone took a step back.

"Look," Sun Jian exclaimed, pointing to the fence. The others turned to see the gate opening with a loW creak.

"It's showtime, ladies!." Zhang Fei called, striding forth.

**This part **didn't take long to write. Hope that's not a bad sign. . . Anyway, it was fun to do, and reviews would be helpful.


	6. Part 6

**Part 6: Into the Garden **

Zhang Fei leveled his spear as he entered Zhuge Liang's garden, ready for trouble. Guan Yu followed close behind, covering his back. The rest of the officers came in slowly, casting nervously about. By the light of the moon they could see the wet pool of blood where Xiahou Yuan had been killed, and a smear trail that led into the bushes.

"I don't like this," Cao Cao said in a low voice. "That devil woman could be anywhere. . ."

"I that she is named Yue Ying- Master Liang's wife," Guan Yu informed him. "She is apparently quite a strategist in her own right."

"Yes, Cao Cao," Liu Bei added. "A woman does not have to be physically appealing to be possessed of great talent."

Cao Cao snorted. "The last thing even close to being a woman that _you_ found appealing was Zhang He."

"I knew he was a man," Bei protested.

"I didn't," Xiahou Dun muttered darkly.

Dun's relative coherence came as a shock. "Someone must be back on his medication," Sun Jian taunted. Dun luckily ignored the comment.

Cao Cao put his hands on his hips. "Yue Ying had best keep out of my way! I came here to recruit Zhuge Liang, not some _revolting harlot!"_

A cloud passed over the moon, soaking up its light and leaving the mountain top cloaked in darkness. The bushes rustled again, very close. Cao Cao heard soft footfalls and heavy breathing. The officers all tensed and readied their weapons.

A tingle of fear ran down Cao's spine as the footfalls stopped before him. "Uh, I-I didn't mean to. . . " A thin beam of moonlight pierced the clouds, revealing a glimpse of the figure standing before the Wei ruler. Cao Cao immediately jabbed his sword into it. The figure grunted and fell to its knees.

"Ahahaha, the Wicked Witch is dead!" The clouds parted further, lighting the area again. Cao Cao stared down at the scrawny old man impaled on his sword. The man feebly lifted his rake. "I'm Yun, Master Liang's groundskeeper. . ."

"You mighta made a booboo, there," Zhang Fei commented dryly.

Cao Cao sighed, planted a boot on the man's chest and pulled his sword free. "Well, these things happen to the best of us." The body toppled over.

Liu Bei gaped in horror at the scene. "I don't believe it! Cao Cao, you just killed an innocent man!"

"Save it, hippie. At least I don't eat people."

Sun Ce crouched down beside the dead gardener. "Welcome to the Wei retirement plan, dude."

"Zhuge Liang can predict the future with 99.9percent accuracy," Guan Yu mused. "Yet it appears that he did not see this coming."

Zhang Fei stepped gingerly over the corpse, followed by Liu Bei and Guan Yu. Sun Quan lumbered over to the body and unzipped his fly, ready to relive himself. Sun Jian dragged him away unceremoniously.

After Sun Ce and Cao Cao had stepped over the gardener, Xiahou Dun approached calmly. Cao watched with apprehension as Dun slowly lifted one leg over the body and put his foot down on the other side. He then lifted the other over.

Cao Cao closed his eyes and breathed a sigh of relief. "Cousin, you have no idea how glad I am that you didn't try to eat that- " He opened one eye to see Dun with the gardener's arm in his mouth. Up to the elbow.

"XIAHOU DUN, SPIT THAT OUT RIGHT NOW!"

"Hungry," the cyclops mumbled around the limb, which he started chewing. Cao Cao smacked him in the face with the flat of his sword.

"Keep walking, " Liu Bei told his brothers. The Shu and Wu officers continued on through the garden.

They came to a wide, circular clearing surrounded by thick hedges, and dotted with thirty or so small stone statues. They stood in no apparent arrangement, and cast long moon shadows across the grass. Each each one was about two feet in height.

Liu Bei made to walk into the clearing, but Guan Yu held Black Dragon out to stop him. Liu Bei's face and the weapon collided with a crack- again.

"Aargh!" Bei clutched at his face. "Will you stop _DOING THAT?_

"Pardon me for saving your life, brother." After receiving blank stares, Guan Yu tore a low hanging branch from a nearby tree and made a show of tossing it into the clearing. It landed ten feet away, between the first two statues. The other officers looked on, waiting expectantly.

Nothing happened.

Liu Bei hrumphed angrily and pushed roughly past Yu, while trying to stop his nose bleeding. He managed to walk two steps before the statues either side of the tree branch began to virbrate. Thin red beams of light shot from their eyes and struck the branch. It burst into flames.

Guan Yu gave an uncharacteristic smirk within his beard. Liu Bei rubbed his eyes and gaped. "H-how did you. . . "

"An informed guess, brother. This would be one of Master Liang's famous stone sentinel mazes."

Sun Jian looked closer at the small statues and an scratched his head in confusion. _Is this a joke? _The statues stared back at him with their stupid little grins and pointy red hats. Some held canes, some had garden tools, and all had fluffy white beards.

"Are those. . . garden gnomes?"

"No, pirate, they're stone penises," Cao Cao said sarcastically, pushing the Wu ruler aside. "All the rage in gardens these days."

"Stone penises? You mean you brought the rest of the Cao family," Sun Jian retorted, moving back to where he was standing before. Xiahou Dun shoved Jian into the bushes as he passed, and moved to stand next to Cao Cao. They had apparently finished their discussion on the wrongness of eating people.

"Uh-oh. Cooould be a problem," Sun Ce said, looking out at the gnomes. He ignored his father, who was struggling to climb out of the bushes.

"Maybe not," Cao Cao thought aloud. "Keep throwing things in and see what happens."

Zhang Fei picked up a large rock and hurled it into the clearing. The closest gnome facing the rock when it landed zapped it to dust. Other stones and branches followed it, and each was destroyed by the nearest gnome when it hit the ground.

Liu Bei reached up and clamped a thumb and finger over his nose in an attempt to stop the bleeding. As a result, his next words were spoken in a high-pitched nasal voice. "It looks as though the gnomes are fixed in place. They cannot turn."

Jian spat out a leaf and climbed to his feet. "I see. Then it's possible to find a path through without setting them off."

Guan Yu looked thoughtful. "In theory, that is true. Still, it would take a brave individual to step forward and navigate this deathtrap, while leaving a trail for the rest of us to follow."

"I volunteer Xiahou Dun," Cao Cao announced.

Dun's eye narrowed. "You just want to get me killed because of my. . . urges!"

"Yes, cousin! That's _exactly_ what I want!"

"That's discrimination!"

"I. Don't. Care."

"There is no way he's going," Liu Bei, still with the nasal voice, protested. "Last time one of your men was volunteered, you had him make a run for Mr. Liang's cave!"

"Well, I obviously wouldn't try it _again_."

"I agree with Liu Bei," Sun Jian said flatly. "Instead, we should send. . . Sun Ce-"

"What? Aw, Pop!"

"-and Sun Quan!"

"Flegggle," Quan drooled, oblivious.

"Fine by me," Bei said. Dun sighed with relief.

Cao Cao went red. "How come _he_ gets to kill his children but _I_ can't kill my general?"

The questions was ignored. Ce moved in and tried to hug Sun Jian. "C'mon, Pop! Can't we, you know, bond and shit?"

Jian ducked under his son's open arms. "Ce, I have hated you since the first time I saw you; don't ask me to quit now."

Sun Quan reared on his haunches and panted. "Dadda!"

Jian growled and kicked him in the rump. "Shut up and_ get moving_."

Sun Ce folded his arms. "This is like, so totally _not _cool, Pop!"

Guan Yu and Zhang Fei each grabbed a Sun and heaved them into the clearing. When Ce landed he rolled and came to his feet quickly. "I hate you! I'm never talking to you again!"

Sun Jian sighed. _If only that were true. _"I thought I told you to move it! Make some kind of trail so that we can cross safely!"

Contemplative silence. ". . .No."

Confused silence ". . . What?"

"Like, no. Do it yourself, you old bastard."

Jian drew his sword. "What did you just say to me, you ungrateful little shit? I'm going to- "

"Make me wish I'd never been born. Yeah, heard it before." Sun Ce put on what he thought was a superior expression, but actually made him look constipated. "I'm sick of you treating us like we're stupid, and trying to kill us 'an stuff!"

"You _are _stupid!"

"Thing is," Ce continued, "you're over _there_, and we're over _here_. We don't gotta do what you tell us no more."

"You insolent little- " He turned to the others. "I need a crossbow! Does anyone have a crossbow?" No-one did. Jian cursed again.

Sun Ce laughed. "Well, I guess me and Quan are. . . Quan?Ce turned to see his brother crawling on hands and knees in a random direction, gurgling happily. Several gnomes were pointed his way.

"NOOOOOOOO," Ce yelled, running towards Quan in slow motion.

"Hah," Jian yelled triumphantly. The Brothers Shu looked on, mildly amused.

Sun Ce reached his brother just in time, pulling him back from the gnomes' line of sight. A laser still managed to burn through Quan's chewed-on hat, blasting it apart and setting the debris aflame. Ce dragged Quan clear of the danger.

Sun Jian moaned. "Oh, that's not. . . God, why can't they just die?"

"Don't worry- there's always next time," Cao Cao said in a honey-sweet voice. He grinned and slapped the Wu ruler on the back. Jian muttered under his breath.

Liu Bei heard someone approaching them from behind. He turned to see that it was Yue Ying. The devil woman's eyes flashed and she gave a feral snarl. Bei took off, running headlong into the stone sentinel maze.


	7. Part 7

**Part 7: Cao Cao, Hero**

Huang Gai stopped in his tracks and motioned for the other three officers to be silent. "I think we're being watched," he whispered. The others looked about the dark rocks, suddenly nervous.

Ling Tong scratched his head. "What? Who would be watching-"

"Shut up," Sun Shang Xiang hissed, reaching down from her perch on Gai's shoulders to cuff Tong hard. He rubbed the back of his head, looking like he might cry. "I just wanted to know- "

"Quiet, whelp," Gai growled, towering over the shrimpy officer. Tong shrank back and nodded rapidly.

Gan Ning poked his sword into Tong's buttocks. "Aiieee," came the predictable squeal.

Grunting, Shang Xiang unstrapped the iron rod from Huang Gai's back and smashed Ling Tong over the back of the head. She smiled with satisfaction as she watched him go down. Gan Ning chuckled- a mistake. The Wu princess bashed Ning in a similar fashion.

Now that there was silence, Huang Gai listened carefully for a few moments. He scanned the night carefully, then closed hie eyes and sniffed the air. Depositing Shang Xiang, he bent and pressed an ear to the ground. More listening followed.

After a minute he rose. "Sorry- false alarm."

"Bastard. . .," Gan Ning muttered.

Huang Gai shrugged his agreement, then winced as Shang Xiang bounded back onto his shoulders. "We must hurry andwarn father!" The two of them continued on up the mountain.

Ling Tong groaned and sat up, then lunged for Ning. "How _dare_ you embarrass me in front of Lady Sun like that!"

Gan Ning rolled and Tong crashed into the rocky ground. "Stow it, short arse, I was just havin' a little fun." The ex-pirate winked. "Besides, I'm sure you'll just disappoint her later, anyway!"

Ling Tong made an evil face. "All right, corsair! You're going down!"

"Not likely, kiddo." Gan Ning turned and took off running musou-style.

Ling Tong twirled his nunchaku overhead and sent it flying. The weapon homed in and wrapped around one of Ning's legs like a bola. The ex-pirate tripped, but momentum still carried him forward. He bounced roughly along, skimming the rocky terrain painfully every second. The jingling bells tied to his belt weren't good for his dignity either. A dozen feet later he came to a painful stop, crashing face-first into a boulder.

Ling Tong hurried to catch up with Shang Xiang and Gai. As he passed the dazed Gan Ning, he turned about and continued up the mountain while running backwards. He grinned widely and gave the ex-pirate two thumbs up.

Gan Ning swore as he tried to regain his feet, but doubled over laughing as Tong ran backwards over the cliff.

"I DON'T BELIEVE I JUST DID THAAAAAAAA. . . "

"Hahahah! Ahahahaaaaha- Unbelievable!" Gan Ning rose, rubbing his bruised face. He disentangled Ling Tong's weapon from his leg and walked over the where the officer had fallen. He peered down into the abyss below. "God, what a friggin' idiot!"

Ning gazed intently into the darkness for several moments, trying to see his rival's body. A thought then occurred to him.

_We're not actually that high up the mountain yet. . . _He scratched his head. _THAAAAAAAA? The guy didn't fall all that far, but that was like, at least five 'A's too long. . . hmmm. . ._

A hand shot up and grabbed the ex-pirate's ankle, pulling him down hard. Ling Tong used Gan Ning's body to haul himself back over the lip of the cliff. "You thought I'd go down as easy as my father did, huh?"

"Not really. Ling Cao was pathetic. No-one else could be that piss-weak."

"We'll see about that," Tong yelled, punching Ning in the face.

The two rolled about for several minutes, punching, elbowing and crotch-kneeing. Gan Ning pinned Ling Tong down and cocked a fist. "I know I shouldn't hit a lady, but I 'll make an except- "

Tong head-butted the ex-pirate, sending him sprawling. "You like that, corsair?"

Gan Ning was on his feet again in seconds. He spat out a tooth. "Heh, I barely felt it! Must have been 'cause of all that air in your head!"

Tong tore off one of Ning's bells and held it up. "And what the hell are these for? Christmas is still four months away, and you make a shit-ugly tree!"

"My enemies hear 'em and know that Gan Ning's coming! Makes 'em piss their pants!"

"With laughter."

"Grrr. . ."

Gan Ning sent a straight punch for Tong's head. The smaller officer ducked under the blow and landed a high kick to the ex-pirate's head, which snapped to the side.

Ning spat out two more teeth, but grinned anyway. "Now ya got it! Too bad Lady Sun wasn't here to see your little show, being 'prolly half way up the mountain, 'an all."

Realization flashed across Ling Tong's face, and he turned to find Huang Gai and the princess long gone. "Goddamit!" He bent and scooped up his fallen weapon, then charged off. "Wait for me, Lady Suuuun!"

Gan Ning briefly considered pointing out that Tong was running back down the mountain, but thought better of it. With a chuckle and a shake of his throbbing head, the ex-pirate started up after Shang Xiang. He looked over his shoulder several minutes later, wondering if Ling Tong would keep running once he reached the base of the mountain. _It's shit like that that makes shit like this all worthwhile. . . _

* * *

Cao Cao brandished his sword as Yue Ying approached. "Get back, she-devil!"

On all-fours Ying sprang, knocking Cao from his feet and onto the stone tiles of the maze. She howled to the moon, her eyes glowing. Xiahou Dun rushed in, forcing her back with a swing of his huge sword. She scurried away, snarling.

Guan Yu and Zhang Fei ran into the stone sentinel maze after Liu Bei. "Brother, be careful!" Sun Jian and Cao Cao followed, with Dun as the rear-guard. They could see the light of torches in the distance.

Bei stopped when he reached the Sun brothers. "Well, which way do we go?"

"Like, how should I know?" Behind them, Yue Ying howled.

Bei clamped his hands around Ce's throat and shook him. "Just pick a _DIRECTION!"_

Sun Ce's eyes went wide. "I thought you were like- "

"The Good Guy? Well guess what, you little punk- I _am_ the good guy! And if you don't stop pissing me around, _I'M GOING TO SHOW YOU WHAT YEARS OF BEING SO GOOD AND RIGHTEOUS CAN DO TO THE HUMAN BRAIN!"_

"Go l-left, sir," Ce squeaked.

Guan Yu and Zhang Fei looked at their brother with glassy eyes, jaws slack. Liu Bei caught their looks and seemed to revert to his former weak-willed self. He released Sun Ce and patted his shoulder. "I am sorry, my friend. Let us make haste."

Sun Jian rubbed his chin. "So that's what it would take for Ce to call me 'sir' . . ."

Liu Bei ran to the left, between two garden gnomes that were facing away from the path. The others ran after him when it became apparent that he wouldn't be desintegrated. Yue Ying stalked after them on all-fours, scythe slung across her back.

"Where now," Guan Yu asked, a hint of desperation in his voice.

Zhang Fei hoisted Sun Quan above his head and tossed him easily along the path to the right. Nothing happened, except Quan bounced slightly. "Go, go, go!"

They ran on, using Sun Quan each time to check if the way ahead was safe. The younger Wu prince only suffered minor burns from the lasers, much to Sun Jian's disappointment.

Eventually they made it to the middle of the maze, which was lit by several torches embedded in the stone tiles. The tiles were black and white, arranged to form a large Yin and Yang symbol. At the very centre of the maze stood a five-foot tall, grotesquely fat garden gnome. It wore a blue and purple coat, edged with gold. A thin black beard and mustache framed its haughty sneer. In one hand it held a stubby sword, which was firmly planted in its own foot. In the other it held the Wei flag. The gnome was plainly a caricature of Cao Cao.

Cao's vein spazemed. "What in the name of GOD is _THAT_ supposed to be?"

Xiahou Dun squinted his eye. "It appears to be yo- "

"I _know_ that, you fool! Why would anyone make such a-a- "

Sun Ce elbowed the Hero of Chaos in the gut . "Whoa, it totally looks like you! Like, ten years ago, maybe."

The purple of Cao's dancing vein stood out against the crimson of his face. No words were necessary.

Sun Jian looked about. "Where's the creature? She was right behind us a second ago. . ." From the shadows came a chilling howl. None of them could see past the edge of the Yin/Yang tiles.

"It seems she is afraid of the fire," Guan Yu said, gripping Black Dragon uneasily.

Zhang Fei's chest swelled. "Yeah, you run, bitch! No-one messes with the great Zhang. . ." He scratched his bristly chin

"Fei," Yu finished with a sigh.

"Right!"

Liu Bei walked over to a torch cautiously. "Maybe we can use the fire as a defence against-"

Cao Cao swore indignantly. "Hello? Have you all forgotten the _garden gnome? _I want to know who's idea of a joke th-this abomination is!"

"Mine, of course," Zhuge Liang's voice said.

Everyone went silent, looking all about wildly. Everyone except Sun Jian, who whistled as he waited calmly for the mystic to materialize. Liang appeared behind the unruffled ruler. "Hello again."

"Eep! Oh, I. . . yes, hello!" The other officers fell back in awe of the white-garbed man, whispering.

"I see that you have met my lovely wife."

"No, we met the other one," Ce muttered. Jian glared him into silence.

Liang let it pass as he scanned those gathered. He frowned when he saw Liu Bei. "What are you doing here? You were not invited."

Bei looked puzzled. "Invited? I came here to win your heart and mind- to get you to join me, and rule at my side for eternity!"

The strategist shuddered, thentilted his warchicken slightlyand looked down his nose disdainfully. "I thought I had a restraining order against you."

Liu Bei grinned. "You were just playing hard to get!"

"No, I really wanted you as far away from me as possible. I live in seclusion for a reason: seclusion." He paused, doing a quick head count. "Where is- "

"What is the meaning of that_ preposterous _garden gnome," Cao Cao fumed.

Zhuge Liang looked annoyed at the interruption, but gave a quick smirk as he looked over at the gnome. "Do you like it? I made it myself- my finest work I think. It is you, stabbing yourself in the foot. I would have thought the meaning to be obvious."

Cao Cao sputtered. "Why you contemptuous pile of- " Xiahou Dun clamped a hand over his lord's mouth.

The chicken clucked as Liang began to walk slowly, doing another head count. "Where is the other one?"

Xiahou Dun laughed. "If you mean my brother, he-"

Cao pushed Dun aside. "Yes, let's talk about Yuan. Your deranged spouse murdered one of my officers! I shall expect full compensation!"

Liang ignored Cao Cao. "Not your brother; the other one. I invited three worthy heroes to my home. Liu Bei was not among them, therefore one hero is yet to arrive." There was a collective groan, followed by a flurry of curious whispers.

Liu Bei huffed. "Why wasn't I invited? I'm a hero! Why don't you love me?"

"Love?"

"Like, I meant like!"

Zhuge Liang sighed. "You are a nancy, Lord Liu Bei. A weakling; a smear upon the legacy of the Han. Also, your hands droop below your knees, which I find quite disturbing."

Cao Cao cackled. Bei whimpered. "W-w-what? But I'm the heir to the. . . my arms aren't. . . that funny. . . " He lifted an overly long limb saddly.

"You look like an ape," Cao snorted. There was general agreement. Liu Bei looked to his brothers, who avoided eye contact.

"Freak," Dun muttered.

"Ahem," Cao Cao said loudly. "Why do you have a blatantly disrespectful statue of me and not one of Liu Bei? Or Sun Jian? I mean_ look _at them!"

Liang did look at them briefly. "I chose to make one of you because. . .you are evil."

"What? I'm not evil! I merely want to usurp the emperor and rule China, building a dynasty on the battered corpses of all who chose to stand before me!"

"Dude, that sound's pretty evil," Sun Ce interjected.

"Well it isn't!" Cao Cao snapped. "For a descendant of Sun Tzu, you're as thick as shit! This is how things work: people fight, people die, and those still alive at the end of the day rule the land. At least until tomorrow, when the next group of idealistic bastards come along! How do you think the Han Empire was established in the first place?"

". . . How?"

"IT WAS A RETORICAL QUESTION!"

"Oh, right. . . who are you again?"

Cao Cao ignored him and continued his rant."No,_ I _am not the Villain in this piece- in fact I am the _Hero! _And that means the role of Villain must fall to. . . Liu Bei!"

Everyone gasped. Zhuge Liang raised an eyebrow

"Yes, people, I am in fact the _Good Guy_, and I am destined to defeat my evil arch rival, Liu Bei the People-eater!"

"Told ya you'd never live it down," Zhang Fei whispered.

"You to aren't the only ones in this story," Sun Jian raged at Cao and Bei.

"You will not be in it much longer," Liang murmured to himself.

Liu Bei drew his sword. "I am not the evil one, Lord Cao Cao- your words fool no-one! We three brothers vow to end your tyrannical ambition!"

Fei and Yu: "We do?"

"Yes!"

Cao Cao sneered. "Bring it on, hippie! Dun, Yuan, attack!"

". . . Dun, attack!"

Guan Yu sent Black Dragon into a spin. "The first person who approaches shall lose his head!" Dun's charge faltered.

Sun Jian casually shoved Sun Quan towards the bearded warrior. "No my son- don't!" he called unenthusiastically.

Yu side-stepped Quan. "That does not count."

"What? How could that not count?"

The God of War/Virtue reached down and tossed Sun Quan back. "I meant approached of their own free will. Not that I honestly expected anyone to."

Dun swore but didn't move. Zhang Fei did, coming forward menacingly.

Zhuge Liang blew a silver whistle that hung around his neck. The officers froze.

The mystic fanned himself. "As I am a fair man, I shall not speak with you on matters of allegiance before all guests are present. Until such a time, maybe these will occupy your remarkably pitiful intellects." From nowhere Liang produced a worn brown sack. Smoothly, he tipped it up and emptied the contents. Four objects bounced and rolled across the tiles.

"Christmas. . .," Xiahou Dun drooled eagerly.


	8. Part 8

**Part 8: The Last Hero**

Zhuge Liang took in the warriors' horrified expressions as the four severed heads rolled to a stop before them. Cao Cao dug his heels in, trying desperately to restrain Xiahou Dun. "We. . .talked about. . . this!"

"You talked- I just pretended to listen! Now let go of me!"

Liu Bei looked disbelievingly from one head to another. "Cui Zhouping. . . Shi Guangyuan. . . Meng Gongwei. . . Xu Shu! Mister Zhuge, were these not your closest friends?"

Zhuge Liang raised his warchicken. In response, the heads levitated slowly into the air. "Once I became enlightened, I realised that they were no longer worth my time. They did not 'get' me." With a flick of the chicken, the heads were cast off into the night.

With a cry of protest, Dun pulled free of Cao Cao and ran off into the darkness after the heads. Cao sighed. _Next time I'll bring Dian Wei and Xu. . . the fat one. _

Liu Bei gulped. "Y-you. . . killed them, then?

Liang looked suprised at the question. "Oh yes. They were just hangers on. Even with their combined knowledge, they could not hope to match wits with one such as I. Not one of them managed to perceive that as they sat in quiet meditation, someone was behind them with a wood axe. . ."

Sun Jian covered his mouth. "By God!"

"Dude, that is _way_ messed up."

Zhang Fei stammered. Guan Yu's jaw dropped. So did his beard's.

Cao Cao clapped his hands. "Excellent! A man to whom I can relate!"

Liang shook his head slowly. "I am not evil, Lord Cao Cao."

"Neither am I!"

'Really? And what can the people expect under the reign of Emperor Cao Cao?"

"Suffering and misery," Liu Bei cried, pointing an accusing finger at the Wei ruler.

"Please, Lord Liu Bei, allow Lord Cao Cao to answer for himself."

Cao held up a hand. "No, it's fine- I would have said that anyway. . . damn!"

Liu Bei sniggered. His brothers provided back-up chuckles.

"Not that we have to worry, but what could the peasants expect under _your_ rule," Cao Cao demanded. "Peace, love and the distinct possibility of being eaten?"

Liu Bei reddened. "One time. . ."

Cao Cao smirked. "See- he _is_ the Villain!"

Zhuge Liang wrinkled his nose. "We have already been through this, Cao Cao- you are evil."

". . .well, _you_ chop of heads! That's evil, too!"

Zhuge Liang dipped his head in concession, no expression upon his face. "I agree it is evil. That is why I had Yue Ying do it."

Sun Ce burst out laughing. "Dude, you let your _wife_ do that stuff for you?"

The strategist turned his calm gaze on the Ce. The Wu prince punched himself in the face. Liang nodded his satisfaction and turned back to the others.

"I told my wife that executions were classified as housework. She approached the task with her usual efficiency. Such a wonderful woman."

Xiahou Dun came running frantically back into the light, his clothes ripped to shreds in places. Blood seeped from various wounds, some of which were claw marks. He collapsed before Cao Cao, catching his breath. "She attacked me- came out of nowhere! She was right behind me . . ." His eye narrowed. "That greedy bitch! She took _all _the heads for herself!"

Cao Cao looked down on the warrior. "Cousin, how would you like to lose another body part?"

". . . which one?"

"You people disgust me," Sun Jian spat. He turned to the mystic. "Master Zhuge, who is this other hero you speak of?"

Liang went silent for several moments, considering. All present waited with anticipation, until he nodded, finally seeming to come to a conclusion.

"That would be telling."

There were groans, and then silence as the officers wondered who the other hero was, and what would happen next.

Sun Ce adopted his constipated expression. "You don't know!"

Liang raised an eyebrow. ". . . excuse me?"

"You don't know who the other hero is!"

"Do not be foolish. Of course I know."

"Bet ya don't."

". . . yes, I do."

"Don't."

"I assure you that I do."

"Nuh-uh. You got no idea."

"I know very well who the other hero is, and if you- "

"You _so_ don't know!"

"Stop that."

"Don't."

"I sent the invitations- I _know_."

"Again with these invitations," Cao Cao muttered. "I did not receive one."

Ce: "You totally don't."

Sun Jian tried to block out his son's existence. "Nor did I. By the way, why do _you_ want to enlist Zhuge Liang. Don't you have that Gou. . . person?"

Liang: "You are being ridiculous."

Cao Cao's gaze shifted to Xiahou Dun. "Yes, well, Gou Jia had a disagreement with my cousin, and he, uh. . . left my service."

"They disagreed on what herbs and spices to use," Liu Bei said. "Not that Xiahou Dun is apparently fussy what or who he eats." Cao Cao glared, but didn't refute the claim. The three rulers took a step away from Dun.

Ce: "No you don't."

Liang: "What are you trying to- "

Cao Cao appraised Sun Jian. "And why are you here? Does Zhou Yu not serve as your strategist?"

Jian looked ambarrassed. "Well. . . all of my officers were at a feast, eating, drinking and having a good time. Shang Xiang had just made a comment about Zhou Yu and Xiao Qiao being lesbians, Sun Ce had gotten his pet tiger drunk- again, Sun Quan was relieving himself on people's shoes under the table, Lu Xun was finishing his lemonade while the adults drank their wine, Zhou Tai, Huang Gai and Taishi Ci were locked in a vicious three-way arm wrestle, Da Qiao was dancing half-naked on the table, Ling Tong and Gan Ning were arguing about what pork buns are made of, Lu Meng was passed out on the floor, and I was trying to think of a way to kill my sons without raising suspicion. Then, without warning, a chandelier dropped from the ceiling and crushed Zhou Yu to the table. If the impact hadn't knocked over Ce's drink, I doubt he would have noticed until morning." He paused. "Circumstances were suspicious, and we believe an assassin was involved- Shang Xiang is heading the investigation. Of course, we only found out later that Lu Meng was actually dead, too. Bad fish.'

Cao Cao and Liu Bei nodded sympathetically.

Ce: "Don't."

Liang: "Yes, I do."

Ce: "You. Don't. Know."

Liang stared calmly at Sun Ce. The heir to Wu brought his knee up and smashed his face into it. He went down hard, and Liang nodded again with satisfaction.

Liu Bei laughed in a Hero Kind of Way. "Hah- I'm sure no child of mine will ever be that stupid!"

"How sure," the mystic inquired. "It would be better for everyone if you do not reproduce at all."

"What? My son is perfectly- "

Liang paled. "You already have a son?"

"Yes, his name is Liu Chan."

The mystic regained his composure. "I see. Well, do not put too much effort into building your kingdom."

"What do you mean," Liu Bei asked, confused by the apparent change of subject.

"Suffice to say that Liu Chan should never be called upon to rule under any circumstances. Things such as countries are fragile in the hands of children."

"I would hardly let my infant son- "

Liang shook his head. "Your son will possess the intellect of an infant for the rest of his life." He paused, considering how to explain. "Imagine if Lord Cao Cao's bodyguard, Xu Zhu, had a child. . . with a grapefruit. The result would be your son, only significantly more handsome."

Liu Bei struggled with the thought of his son being mentally ill, while the other warriors struggled to dispel the mental image of Xu Zhu with a grapefruit.

Sun Jian sniggered. "I wonder what manner of vegetable Liu Bei's wife is? Potato, I'm guessing."

"I DID NOT MARRY A POTATO! AND I CERTAINLY DIDN'T TRY TO FU- "

Cao Cao shoved Liu Bei aside. "What about _my_ children?"

Zhuge Liang turned to him. "One of your son will be eaten by a cannib- "

Cao waved a hand dismissively. "Yes, already happened! Anything else?"

"Cao Zhi, your unborn child and third son, will be an alcoholic poet with an affinity for talking beans. Your other son, Cao Pi, will be as cunning and devious as you are. He will also be as evil, and will attempt to kill Cao Zhi."

"Fantastic! At least on of my legitimate heirs will be cunning!" A shiver ran up Cao's spine as he thought of the sinister looks Cao Pi was always shooting him. You could almost imagine the fangs sliding out. . . "Evil, ay? Hah, if you call _me_ evil then _he _must be good, as well!"

"Yes, Lord Cao Cao," Liang murmured, fingering a dagger of Megiddo beneath his robe. "I am sure you are correct."

Sun Jian crossed his arms and smirked. "At least my Shang Xiang is normal; intelligent, beautiful, skilled in battle- "

"And destined to marry Liu Bei," the mystic interrupted. The Shu ruler glanced up.

Jian looked as if he would explode. "That's ridiculous! As long as I live, I will never left such an imbecilic weakling marry my daughter!"

Liang tilted his chicken. "Indeed. Yet they will marry."

"Why can't she marry me," Cao Cao demanded. "Liu Bei already has his potato!"

"I am not married to a potato!"

"Oh don't tell me: you ate her."

Sun Jian glared at the two rulers. "Neither of you sick bastards will ever lay hands on my daughter!"

"Yeah, or my sister," Sun Ce added. He turned to Quan. "Right, Shang Xiang?"

Zhuge Liang shook his head sadly, then turned and began to walk off. "I grow weary of this pointless conversation. Join me in my cave once the last hero arrives, and I will answer any questions you may have." The mystic glanced back over his shoulder. "Oh, and if you so much as harm a hair on my wife's head. . . I will kill you. All of you." With that, he vanished.

Guan Yu scratched his beard, which purred in response. "It looks as though we must wait for this other hero to arrive before we proceed."

Xiahou Dun rolled his eye. "Yes, sasquatch, he just said that."

"I wonder who it could be," Cao Cao mused. "Not that he will stand a chance against me, of course. None in the land can outshine the heroic deeds of Cao Cao, Hero of Chaos!"

Hoofbeats sounded in the distance. The warriors looked around nervously. Guan Yu and Zhang Fei took up positions to defend Liu Bei, who was trying futilely to draw his sword. The others stood ready.

A huge white stallion sailed over the maze's hedge border, its rider glowing with holy light. The horse touched down in the maze, it's hooves clopping against the stone tiles as it hit the ground in full gallop. Red gnome lasers fired after it, but none came close to hitting. The horseman could not be seen against the glare as he rode on, heading for the centre of the maze.

Those gathered shielded their eyes as the horse and its luminescent rider drew to a halt before them. The light dimmed considerably as the third hero adjusted the dial on his armour.

Cao Cao gasped in shock, then groaned. The newcomer dismounted smoothly and repositioned his ridiculous, spire-like hat. After consuming several breath mints, he looked down his nose at the Wei ruler.

"Greetings, Cao Cao,' Yuan Shao drawled.

**Ha**- anyone see that coming? Yes, the Great Yuan Shao has arrived to Save the Day!. . . ahem. This story won't be going past chapter 10 (I don't think), so the last two parts could be pretty long.


	9. Part 9

Update, everybody!. . . yeh. . .Well here it is; the second last part of my attempt at humour. Like I said, it's long (by my standards).

**Disclaimer:** For some reason question marks and exclamation marks keep disappearing out of the story. Sorry if that's confusing, butI can't stop it happening.

**Part 9: The Home Stretch **

Cao Cao blinked. Then blinked again. "What. . . are you doing here?"

Yuan Shao chuckled heartily and waved a hand airily. "Why, how is that any way to greet an old friend? We haven't seen each other since- "

"Since you invaded my kingdom, you fop," Cao Cao growled. He turned away and started pacing, fists clenched "This can't be happening," he muttered over and over. _Of all the people. . ._

"Still sore, are we?" Shao turned to the rest of the group. "Well, he always did get upset over the smallest things. Like his willie, for example."

Liu Bei burst out laughing, as did the others. Cao Cao's vein convulsed.

"Oh look; he still does the vein-thing. Last time I saw that was- "

"Shut up! _Just you_ s_hut the hell up!"_ Cao Cao drew his sword, for both effect and practicality.

Liu Bei approached the golden-armoured hero and held out a hand in greeting. "Lord Yuan Shao, it is an honour to make your acquaintance again!"

"Always," the man agreed, admiring his reflection in a polished arm guard. He smiled a wall of huge white teeth, then looked down his nose at the Shu ruler's offered hand. "Who. . . _are_ you, rube?"

Bei looked a little hurt, but tried to hide it. "I-I am Liu Bei, Lord Yuan Shao. I was a part of your forces at Hu Lao Gate, remember?"

". . . oh, yes. The peasant chieftain."

"Uh. . . m-my time serving under you proved a valuable learning experience!"

"Yes, congratulations," Cao Cao sneered. "You learned to kiss massive amounts of arse, and are now a fully-fledged flunkie!" He spun and jabbed a finger at Yuan Shao. "And you, _you_ are a greedy, arrogant, treacherous, coneheaded BASTARD! We were supposed to be allies- friends, and you betrayed me! Your shifty little eyes settled on my slice of the pie, and you thought, 'Oh, I shouldn't really. . . wait, I'm Yuan Shao; _I'll do whatever the bloody hell I want!" _He made a fist and started waving it. "You just keep eating and eating, shoving the land into you pie-hole and shitting the common people into the latrine of poverty!"

"Captain Cao Cao: Champion of Justice," Sun Jian muttered.

"Silence, _matey!"_

Yuan Shao shook his head sadly. "Cao Cao, my old friend, you know as well as I that the land must be united. What I do, I do for the good of the people."

"You are full of crap! Like a-a gold-plated toilet!"

"Coincidently, I have one of those- but that is beside the point. One of us two will rule once the wars are over- "

Liu Bei huffed. "What about me?"

"What about you?"

"And me,' Jian growled.

"Go home, children," Cao Cao sneered. "The _grown-ups _are talking."

Yuan Shao drew himself up to look over Cao's shoulder. He grinned when he caught sight of the Cao Cao gnome. "Oh my, that is magnificent! Such detail!" He strode over and tapped the gnome's crotch with the toe of his boot. "And look! Just like the real thing- no testicles!"

Cao Cao hammered a fist into Shao's gleaming grin. The Wei ruler let out a scream and clutched his hand, staring in disbelief at the indentations left by his nemesis' teeth. Yuan chuckled and displayed his still-perfect smile.

"Oh, _GOD. . . DAMN!_," Cao Cao hollered. _"WHO HAS TEETH LIKE THAT?"_

Sun Jian folded his arms and turned away from the Wei ruler. "So, Lord Yuan Shao. . . why are you here?"

"Oh. . . well, my strategists. . . they have all died."

"What, all two hundred of them," Cao Cao asked sarcastically through gritted teeth.

Shao raised a calming hand "No no- just the useful ones. First it was Feng Ji. He. . . was crushed."

"Crushed," Jian said slowly.

"He was counting my money. A pile fell on him."

"I see."

"Quite." Yuan Shao sniffed. "Then Tian Feng and Ju Shou came to me, with the nerve to say that I was incorrect in my decision to invade Xu Chang. _Incorrect! Me?_"He simmered with rage. "Of course I couldn't have such uneducated fools advising me, so I had them locked up! Then Shen Pei dared to question my wisdom in doing so, so I threw him in the cell, too." He shook his head. "Terrible business, I know, and you can imagine my suprise when Guo Tu told me that he, too, did not think it wise to attack Xu Chang. You can imagine his suprise also, when I had him booted off the castle wall."

He looked around at the staring officers. "It was about that time I realised that I no longer had any worthy military advisors left. With a heavy heart, I made my way back down to the dungeons, intending to graciously pardon one of the traitorous vermin. When I entered the cell, however, the prisoners were gone, gone! I cast about the cell, and saw scattered papers- blueprints to my castle! The poster of me I had given them to admire still hung on the far wall. Unable to help myself, I drew closer to it, captured in my own ravishing gaze." He paused, flustered. "Then it leaped up and wrapped itself around my face, propelled by the wind that was blowing through the huge hole in the wall! Tian Feng, Ju Shou and Shen Pi had dug through the wall and escaped! Unfortunately for them, the blueprints were flawed. Instead of coming out facing the west, the emerged on the eastern side and plummeted to horrible deaths on the rocks below. Altered blueprints." He shook his head again in confusion, then spread his arms. "Therefore, I am in the market for a new strategist. This. . . Zhuge Liang character. . . seemed worthy of serving me, so I came here to offer him a once-in-a-lifetime chance to do so. Good of me, I know."

"You moronic bastard," Cao Cao muttered disgustedly, pulling himself together.

"You cannot be serious," Liu Bei exclaimed. "It was my idea to visit Zhuge Liang! Mine!"

Shao fixed him with a glare. Liu Bei trembled "O-of course, unless you w-want him, sir! "

"Sycophant," Cao Cao sneered. "Right- Xiahou Dun, kill Yuan Shao!"

Dun took a warm-up swing with his scimitar and advanced on the golden hero. Yuan Shao hurried to his steed's side and undid the saddlebags hanging there. Dun took a step back as Yuan Tan and Yuan Shang sprang from the bags like a pair of coiled springs. "We must protect father! We're coming, father! We will save you father!"

Yuan Shao slapped his forehead and pointed dramatically to the oncoming cyclops. "Over _there!" _The brothers nodded in union and ran to meet Dun's charge.

Just before Xiahou Dun carved the duo up like hogs, Guan Yu stepped in to parry his attack. Glowering, Dun drew back and glared, "Why are you protecting Yuan Shao?"

Guan Yu leveled Black Dragon. "My honour will not allow me to watch you slay this man. I served as an officer in his army at the battle of Guan Du, and I must aid him once more. I would not expect one such as you to understand the meaning of loyalty."

Silence filled the gathering. Crickets chirped, if crickets live on mountains.

Xiahou Dun cleared his throat awkwardly. "Guan Yu. . . you served _Cao Cao _at Guan Du. . . remember?"

Yu scratched his beard. ". . . did I?"

Yuan Shao hrumphed. "Unless it was man being eaten by a carpet who slew half of my generals, yes, yes you did serve Cao Cao!"

". . . why would I serve such an evil man?"

Cao Cao threw his hands up. Xiahou Dun smirked at Yu. "Hah! You have now no reason to impede my path! Stand aside!"

Yuan Tan and Shang quaked but held their ground. Guan Yu did so, too. "I have a very good reason to impede your path. I do not like you."

Xiahou Dun screamed and hurled himself at the bearded warrior. Guan Yu roared a challenge and twirled Black Dragon above his head. He heard two wet thwacks, followed by two wet thuds. Behind him, the Yuan brothers' bodies crumpled.

Yu stood stock-still, spear held high, as the heads of Yuan Tan and Yuan Shang rolled past his feet. Without looking down, he said, "I have just killed the men behind me, haven't I?"

Everyone nodded.

Wasting no time, Xiahou Dun pounced on the heads and ran off into the night with them, cackling gleefully. Yuan Shao stared blankly, uncomprehending.

"Ha-hah; your sons are dead," Cao Cao yelled triumphantly. Liu Bei, Zhang Fei and the Suns gaped at Guan Yu. The man's red face became redder. "I swear that has never happened before. . ."

Yuan Shao shuddered, looking down in the purest horror. "My. . . armour! You _fool!"_ He frantically rubbed a thumb across a spot of blood on his otherwise-spotless breastplate. "Have you any idea how much it costs to get this dry-cleaned?"

Liu Bei waited for Shao to say something about the death of his sons. He didn't. Cao Cao ran to the edge of the fire lit tiles. "Xiahou Dun, get back here and finish killing Yuan Shao!"

Guan Yu was glad no-one had put his honour and the two headless corpses in the one sentence yet. Rearranging his robes, he rejoined his brothers before they did.

"Brother, Zhang Fei, it seems that all of the heroes are now present. We should hurry to Master Zhuge's cave while the others are distracted."

"I am a hero," Liu Bei yelled at Yu. "IamIamIam!"

Guan Yu was confused by the outburst, but decided not to say anything. ". . . Let's just go." The three slunk off into the night discreetly. Sun Jian waited until his sons weren't looking, then followed the brothers from Shu.

Cao Cao spun back to face Yuan Shao. "So you think you're a hero, do you? That's a bigger load of crap than when Dian Wei had diarrhea! You're pathetic fool- you and that_ retarded _helmet!"

Shao raised his head to silhouette his profile against the full moon. "It makes me look dashing."

"It makes you look like a dick. I mean that, really."

Yuan Shao's eyebrows lifted. "How rude! How. . . _uncivilised._ Let us engage in a more cultured affair- " He drew his sword. "- such as hacking each other apart with sharpened steel!"

"Once Xiahou Dun gets back, I'm sure he'll be happy to oblige you. . . after he's done eating your sons' heads." Yuan Shao lost some of his bluster. _It seems having a deranged cannibal as a general has its advantages, _Cao Cao thought.

"Pop," Sun Ce asked from off to the side. "Hey pop, where are ya?"

Cao and Shao exchange glances. "Zhuge Liang!"

Cao Cao pushed Yuan Shao over and made for his horse. Swinging a leg over the saddle, he yelled, "Nice guys finish last!"

The stallion bucked and sent Cao crashing to the ground. Shao walked calmly towards him, then walked on top of him without pausing. "Whoever said I was nice," he inquired, mounting the horse. "Onward, Beldar!"

After finally catching up with the other Wu officers, Ling Tong pointed an accusing finger at Gan Ning. "You _knew_ I was going the wrong way!"

"Wha? No, I had no idea mountains pointed up."

Tong sniffed. "Arsehole."

"Least I can find mine."

"Shut it, losers," Sun Shang Xiang growled. "This is the summit."

The Wu officers looked to see huge iron fence with wide gates standing up ahead, spread out across the summit. The gates were closed.

Huang Gai set Shang Xiang down. "That gate must be between us and our lord! Stand back, young ones!" He ran over to the barrier. A brief but brutal attempt at opening the gates left the big man with a few sizable dents in his rod. The others began shake the bars, rattling the fence all the way along. "Father, if you can hear me, turn back! You're in danger!"

Ling Tong cupped his hands over his mouth. "Yes father! Turn back!"

Shang Xiang eyed him suspiciously. "What?"

"N-nothing!" _Dammit, Tong, don't get ahead of yourself! You haven't married her yet. . . _

Gan Ning ran his sword along the bars. "Come on, old man- it's freezing up here! Just move your wrinkled butt and get- " A shadowy figure materialized before them, just inside the gate.

Weapons came up. Ling Tong cried out, Gai growled and Gan Ning hefted his blade. Shang Xiang pointed a chakram at the figure. "You!"

Liu Bei and his brothers moved hurriedly through the rest of the dark stone sentinel maze, using Fei's pike to reveal where the deadly gnome lasers would block their path. The weapon had been cut down to a one foot charred stump, and they were about to move on to Black Dragon when the found themselves clear of the devious maze.

Zhang Fei looked over his shoulder. "Uh oh. Here comes that Sun Jian. He's alone. . . want me to take care of him, brother?"

"What do you mean, take care of him? Are you suggesting that- " Fei hurled the butt of his pike. Jian swore as it bounced off his head.

Guan Yu sighed. "At least he managed to hit him. Sometimes I believe the only thing he sees clearly is the jug of wine approaching his mouth."

"Are you okay," Liu Bei called to Sun Jian cautiously. Zhang Fei muttered when he heard a response.

"You threw a stick at me? A _stick? _I'm not even worth a _rock_?

"Accident," Bei apologised. "Very sorry about that."

Guan Yu shook his head. "Do not apologise- he is an enemy."

Zhang Fei picked up a rock. "You heard the man. Don't worry, brothers; I'll kill him this time."

Liu Bei caught his arm. "Don't make me angry, you fat slug," he whispered harshly. "I haven't forgotten the cookies!"

Fei's eyes lit up. "Cookies?"

Sun Jian's dark form moved closer to them. Guan Yu sighed again. "Let us go, before anything else- "

Yue Ying and Xiahou Dun barreled out of the bushes, rolling over each other in a frenzy. The sane officers stepped back as the two cannibals fought wildly for the right to the Yuan heads. Ying forced Dun onto his back and howled to the moon. The cyclops snapped his head to the side just as the woman's jaws clamped down where his throat would have been. Dun howled back and smashed his forehead into her face. The beast woman hissed and fell back, but Dun didn't relent this time. Weapons long gone, they were fighting hand to hand, tooth to fang. Long moon shadows from the primal battle were cast across the grass. Ying's unibrow cast the longest.

Sun Jian cringed as Ying's claws raked into Dun shoulder. The Wei general responded by kicking her shins repeatedly. The strategist's wife hissed and sprang on top of him, forcing him to the ground again. Liu Bei watched the scene with sick fascination, and an unconscious desire to join in.

Yuan Shao brought his horse to a halt before the bloody battle. "Humph- bloodsport. How. . . common."

Cao Cao arrived a few moments later, glaring up at Shao as he moved past. He groaned when he saw his general locked in combat with the devil woman.

Guan Yu hung his head and glanced sidelong at the Wei ruler. "Do you recall Master Zhuge saying that he would kill us all if his wife were harmed in any way?"

Cao Cao shared an exasperated look with the Shu warrior, before having his attention pulled back to the two opponents. They were still rolling around frantically, but they were no longer fighting. Several seconds of stunned silence followed, in which Sun Ce and Sun Quan caught up to them. Dun and Ying were now grunting repeatedly.

Liu Bei looked incredulous. "Oh. My. God. Are they. . .?"

Zhang Fei scratched his beard. "Looks like it."

"This can't be happening. . .," Cao Cao muttered. "_XIAHOU DUN, STOP THAT IMMEDIATELY_!"

Yuan Shao watched the tussling officers disdainfully "Cao Cao, is this how all of your generals behave?"

Sun Jian leaned in closer. "Is that. . . heavens above!"

Sun Ce cringed "Man, that is _wrong."_

"Fleggle," Sun Quan sputtered.

Guan Yu slapped his forehead. "Zhuge Liang is going to kill us all very slowly for this."

"Possibly by skinning us alive," Liu Bei noted distantly "Then cutting our bodies into pieces, rolling us into meat buns and feeding us to the peasants."

"Oh you would say that that," Cao Cao snarled half-heartedly. The Hero of Chaos picked up the butt of Zhang Fei's pike and hurled it at Xiahou Dun. Without looking up from Yue Ying, his hand shot out and caught the missile, then crushed it.

"Multi-tasker," Cao cursed.

"Come on," Liu Bei yelled to his brothers. The Shu ruler ran on past the primal pair and on through the garden, followed closely by Yu and Fei. Sun Jian and his offspring exchanged murderous and pleading looks before they, too, hurried off.

Yuan Shao looked down on Cao Cao from his saddle. "It was good to see you again, my friend. We should do lunch; my treat." Chuckling, the golden hero rode after the others. His extravagant cape billowed out behind him.

Cao Cao stuttered for a moment, then cupped his hands over his mouth. "Y-YOU _WANKER_!"

Xiahou Dun walked over to Cao Cao, panting heavily and grinning. A short distance away, Yue Ying rolled lazily about on the grass, tongue hanging out. The Wei ruler gave a disgusted shake of his head before lifting Dun off the ground by the collar of his cloak. Drawing their faces close together, he whispered slowly, "If Zhuge Liang ever learns of this, I will feed you the rest of your balls. And I_ don't_ mean eyeballs."

Roughly, he released the still grinning Dun, then made to strike him.

Yue Ying growled as she rushed to Xiahou Dun's side protectively. Cao Cao fell back in suprise, three feral eyes following his steps. Ying snarled and padded forward menacingly, until Dun got between them. "No, my lady. I ate his son, and he was stringy."

Cao stumbled over, but pushed himself up quickly. "She's just a devil woman," he protested.

"With evil on her mind," Dun said coldly. "A lot of evil."

Liu Bei rounded the end of a huge hedgerow and finally lay eyes upon Zhuge Liang's cave; an unremarkable opening in a huge rocky spur. Jutting from higher up in the rock was a gigantic telescope, tilted up towards the moon. Warm light flickered from within the cave.

Zhang Fei ran into Bei from behind, and Guan Yu into him. The three went down in a pile, which grew larger as the Suns crashed into it one by one.

"Oh shiiiiit," Sun Ce shouted as the mounted Yuan Shao soared over them. The warriors scrambled out of the heap just as Cao Cao ran through where they had been piled, sword drawn and aimed for Shao's heart.

Yuan Shao parried Cao's thrust and hauled back on his horse's reins. Beldar turned and reared, hooves flailing at Cao Cao. The Hero of Chaos ducked under, coming up on Shao's left to hack through the side of the saddle.

Shao fell from his steed's back with a startled cry, landing face first in a patch of bare dirt. Wasting no time, Cao Cao slapped the flat of his sword against Beldar's flanks, sending the horse galloping off into the night. The ruler of Wei then turned back to his former friend, blade raised in both hands above his head. "You and me, conehead- right now!"

Yuan Shao sat up on the grass. He examined himself with a horrified expression, then proceeded to slap wildly at his armour. "Dirt! DIRT! You_ fool!" _He rose and turned away sharply.D-don't look at meeee!"

Cao Cao rolled his eyes. "With pleasure."

"Now, brothers," Guan Yu roared, and the men of Shu surged forward, running for the cave.

"Dude, no way," Sun Ce yelled, and the Suns made their move, too. Cao Cao charged after them, followed by Xiahou Dun and Yue Ying.

Yuan Shao threw himself onto the grass, rolling about frantically in a bid to remove the dirt. He doused himself with the bottle mineral water he always had close at hand, then determinedly suffered the indignity of actual physical exertion and ran after the others. _Cao Cao, you will die for this humiliation!_

The race was on, and Liu Bei had the lead, with a brother to either side. The Shu ruler looked back over his shoulder, just in time to have a tonfa bash him in the face instead of the back of the head. Blood sprayed again from his mangled nose as Sun Ce vaulted over him, landing lightly between Guan Yu and Zhang Fei. He elbowed Fei in the gut, then reached over and yanked on Yu's beard, which came away easily. "Hah, I knew it was fake!" The beard chomped down on Ce's hand. "Aiieeee!"

Fei slammed an uppercut into the Wu prince's jaw, just as Sun Jian closed in on the left. The ruler of Wu stabbed at Fei, then hacked at Ce. Sun Quan had been coming up from behind, and now sprang to latch onto Guan Yu's back. The now-beardless warrior parried Jian's attack on Fei before reaching over his shoulder to pull Quan free. He tossed the younger Wu prince into the older, who was still fighting off the beard beast. They went down together and fell behind briefly. Yue Ying and Xiahou Dun leaped over the two, running side by side on all fours.

Zhang Fei helped Liu Bei along as Guan Yu covered their rear. Sun Jian began to press his attack, but was engaged by Cao Cao. Xiahou Dun soon caught up and stuck by his lord, helping to beat the Wu ruler back. Jian was almost pressed right into Zhang Fei when Yuan Shao hurled himself at Cao Cao, sword extended. Dun turned just in time to block the golden hero's attack, and Cao then spun, using his sword to trap Shao's blade against Dun's. The noble stumbled backwards, right into Yue Ying. The beast woman didn't bother to attack him, but just kept running right through him.

Sun Jian broke free of the pack, legs pumping hard. He could hear the others right behind him, then saw Cao Cao getting out ahead to the right. Guan Yu then appeared to his left, beard upon his shoulder, and soon they were all running more or less in a crescent formation.

Everything was moving in slow motion as they approached the finishing line, the cave where they would finally get the answer they had all been searching for. Each warrior let out their own deafening slow-motion roar. Their formation tightened. The cave was twenty metres away. Fifteen. Ten. Yue Ying skidded to a halt.

The warriors all hit the invisible barrier at the same time, smashing hard into what might as well have been a brick wall. Zhuge Liang materialised just inside the mouth of the cave.

"Sorry. . . I had to do that." He motioned to the flickering light within the cave. "Come- I have been expecting you."


	10. Part 10

Greetings, I finally bring ye the next chapter! . . . that's right, I said next, not last. This chap was already long, and if I put the rest of the story here it would be that long again. So, one more chapter- just one, promise! God, I am such a bastard.

This chap seems a bit uneven, or that could just be me.

**Part 10: The Invitations**

Sun Ce lay flat on his back. "Invisible wall. . . awesome. . ."

Yuan Shao groaned and tried to sit up, only to find that an unconscious Liu Bei was slumped over him. With a startled cry he hastily tried to squirm free.

"Oh, the two young lovers," Cao Cao snorted with little enthusiasm. He climbed to his feet, clutching his forehead. "What. . . happened?"

Xiahou Dun rose slowly with Yue Ying's help. "I believe Zhuge Liang blocked our path with some kind of unseeable barrier."

Cao flicked a glance at his general before screaming into Zhuge liang's cave, "You spiteful bastard!"

Liu Bei opened his eyes and gave Yuan Shao a dazed smile. "Morning, handsome."

"Huh, why yes I am- oh, eew!" The golden hero shoved Bei back and scrambled to his feet. "G-get away!"

Guan Yu grunted and tried to rise, pain clouding his vision. Something heavy was keeping him down, held fast to the beardless warrior's chin. After several confused and frustrated seconds, Yu's vision cleared enough for him to wish it hadn't.

Zhang Fei stared into Guan Yu's wide eyes, their faces pressed against each other. Both men immediately tried to pull away, and let out yelps of pain.

Guan Yu looked down his nose in shock and horror. "Your beard is. . . caught in my velcro!"

Sun Jian laughed uncontrolably alongside Cao Cao. Liu Bei tried to keep a straight face, but it was pointless. Yuan Shao watched the scene with a slightly bemused expression.

The brothers struggled to free themselves, their shapes silouetted against the light from the cave. They fell, rolled around, then fought their way back to their feet. Each tried angrily to stare the other down. They were stuck fast.

"Zhang Fei, remove yourself from my person!"

"You remove my person from your- your person from. . ."

Guan Yu planted his hands on his brother's face and pushed with all his might. There was a ripping noise, and the two came free to the sound of Zhang Fei howling as he fell back. Yu sighed with relief and reached up to scratch his velcroed chin. He felt fuzz, and looked down at Fei in confusion. His brother had a chunk of beard missing. Realisation dawned. Guan Yu clawed frantically at the section of Zhang Fei's beard that was stuck to his chin. "Argh, my velro- it is ruined! Do you have any idea how hard velcro is to come by in ancient China?"

Zhang Fei felt his chin, then glared at Yu's. "Hey, give that back!"

Guan Yu ignored him and cast about for his original beard. "Steve, where are you?"

"Steve," Liu Bei echoed with a laugh. "Your beard is called _Steve_? That is not even Chinese!"

Yu spotted his beard and snatched it up. He tried to reatach it, only to find it would no longer hold. The embodiment of honour and dignity began to hypervhentilate. "It will not stick!" Steve flailed wildly as Yu continued ramming it into his chin. "Noooooo!"

Zhang Fei folded his arms. "Look on the bright side- your bathroom time just got cut in half!"

Sun Jian rose unsteadily and threw his shoulders back. The ruler of Wu determindly pushed past Cao Cao and Xiahou Dun, charging ahead into the cave unhindered. Cao Cao cried out in protest and hurried after him, as did everyone else, Yue Ying and Dun last.

They found themselves in a wide, candlelit chamber. It was dome-shaped, with a huge chandelier hanging from the high ceiling. Sun Jian flinched upon seeing that- he knew too well what a light fixture was capable of. The rest of them looked about the room in awe. Shelves lined the walls, and were filled with all sorts of strange objects; from various coloured vials to crystals that pulsed with strange green light. Despite the light from above, everything was tinged green by the glowing rocks. At the other end of the room, a tunnel led further into the cave. Zhuge Liang was nowhere to be seen.

Sun Ce walked backwards, turning around with his arms wide. "Whooooa, cool!"

Sun Jian swore. "Don't touch _anything_!"

Sun Quan stared unblinking at his reflection in a crystal ball. And stared. When he finally reached out to touch it, Sun Jian caught his wrist in a death-grip. Yuan Shao also gazed at his own reflection, paying attention only to smoothing his mustaches.

As the nine guests drifted over to examine various objects, Yue Ying scampered off down the tunnel. Xiahou Dun began to run out to her, when something caught his eye: an eye. Floating in clear fluid within a glass jar on a nearby shelf. He wet his lips.

Cao Cao watched quietly as his general inconspicously made his way over to the jar. He waited until Dun's hand was inches from it before hauling him back by the hair. "We do not eat eyeballs! We do not eat _people! _And we do not engage in _beastiality!" _He glared off down the tunnel. Dun twisted to bite Cao's hand, but he released the general and moved away swiftly. "Try that again and I'll-I'll. . . just don't touch anything, like the pirate said!"

Cao Cao stormed away to the centre of the room. He looked about contemptously at the others. _Fools! Let them gawp at these trinkets, while I go ahead and- _

"Are you coming or not," Zhuge Liang enquired from the tunnel entrance. Everyone spun in suprise, except for one. "Lord Cao Cao, please tell your associate to stop poking my eye." The Wei ruler turned to see Xiahou Dun with his hand deep in the glass jar. Liang frowned. "It belonged to my grandfather."

Three litres of the blood normaly circulating in Cao's veins rushed to his face. "Stop. . . _playing_ with it! Take your hand out of that jar!"

"But it's pickled- I haven't had pickled!"

"NOW!"

Grumbling about the unfairness, Dun removed his questing hand from the jar. Zhang Fei looked from the cyclops to the floating eyeball. "Wow, and I thought those things came in pairs."

Now Cao Cao found himself sweating, shooting quick glances at Zhuge Liang. _Does he know about Dun and Ying? That they have a. . . thing? Well, Dun has a 'thing'- that's actually the problem._ Liang's warchicken clucked noisily, and the strategist calmly bashed it's head against the wall. The bird went limp. "Now, let us finally proceed."

The heroes and their companions followed Zhuge Liang into the dimly lit tunnel. It was cramped, and after much pushing and shoving the brothers of Shu would led behind the strategist. The green glow of the entrance chamber faded behind them, to be replaced by flicking firelight from torches that lined the walls. The tunnel began to curve, and although there were no stairs, it soon became apparent that they were moving upwards. Liang casually slung his dead fowl over one shoulder as they walked. "My wife has told me that you were all on your best behaviour. That is good; I would not have wanted to feed you all to the flesh weasels."

"Flesh. . . weasels," Cao Cao asked cautiously.

"Yes. My darling Yue Ying was raised by such creatures as an infant. In return, we now care for a great many of them." He shook his head. "They are like our children. Amazing animals; did you know that they can smell fear?"

"No, and we don't care," Yuan Shao interrupted. He squeezed between Guan Yu and Zhang Fei and came out in front of Liang. "Enough of this! I refuse to stumble around this infernal cavern, atop this accursed mountain a moment longer! I am Yuan Shao- _Yuan, _of the Yuan Family! I demand that you cease this self-indulgent, mystical charade and show your new lord to a room of passable quality!"

To everyone's suprise, Zhuge Liang stayed perfectly calm. He stared into an expectant Yuan Shao's haughty eyes. "You presume much, Lord Yuan Shao. But yes- let us 'get down to business.' " The mystic flicked his rodes out and clapped his hands twice. White light filled the tunnel, and when it faded they were no longer standing in the tunnel. Around them, a small meeting hall had appeared, with a long, polished wooden table at its centre. Ten high-backed chairs surrounded it, and on the right side of the room a fire blazed in the large hearth. Before the fire, Yue Ying was curled, purring contentedly.

The heroes turned about in shock. Liu Bei half drew his sword- the blade broke partway down. He examined the hilt. _Made in China- huh, figures._ Zhuge Liang ignored their suprised reactions and drifted over to the head of the table, where he took his seat. Cao Cao and Yuan Shao immediately scrambled for the chair at the other end. Unconsciously, Xiahou Dun grabbed the nearest chair and hurled it at the golden hero. It clunked into his helmet, sending him stumbling to the floor. Cao Cao gave an appreciative wave as he dashed for his prize, but Dun didn't notice; his eye was focused only on his 'mate' by the fire.

"You uncouth _bastard!_," Yuan Shao roared at Cao Cao, seeming not to care that Dun had thrown the chair. "Get out of my seat!"

"Get out of my _sight, _Goldmember," Cao countered, swinging his legs to rest on the table.

"Enough," Liang declared with force. "Lord Cao Cao, kindly remove your buttocks from Lord Liu Bei's chair."

Cao Cao laughed mockingly. "Move for _Liu Bei?_ You have to be joking. I wouldn't give up my spot for Confucius!"

Liu Bei looked wonderingly to the mystic. "_My_ chair? For me?"

"Yes." That appeared to be all Liang would say. Yuan Shao shook a fist at Cao Cao. "I claim that seat in the name of the Yuan Family!"

Sun Jian pulled out a chair and dropped into it. "Quit banging on about your bloody family! I personally couldn't give two shits about anything to do with your line, except maybe its end."

Cao grinned. "Hah!"

"How _dare_ you! My family is- "

Zhuge Liang laid his arms flat on the tabletop. "Lord Cao Cao, for the last time, that is Lord Liu Bei's chair. Stand up, or Yue Ying will assist you." Ying's head came up, and she showed off an array of crooked fangs. The Hero of Chaos gulped and rose, aware he would get no support from Xiahou Dun. The man's sense of loyalty was perplexing.

A minute later, they were all seated, with Yuan Shao and Cao Cao sitting closest to Liang. After several moments, the mystic spoke. "Greetings, heroes of the future Three Kingdoms. . . and associates. I have invited," he glanced at Liu Bei, "most of you here in order to decide who I shall serve in this time of chaos. In order to do this, I will- "

"Why do you keep saying 'invited?'," Sun Jian demanded. "It's obvious that none of us received any invitation from you."

"Is that so?" Zhuge Liang shook his head. "Foolish. I presented you with my invitation at your feast. Perhaps I was too subtle."

Sun Ce scratched his head. "Pop? You got an invite?"

"No! Zhuge Liang, I have no idea what you're talking about. You were not at my feast, and for the last time, in no way, shape or form did I receive a damned invitation!"

"In no way, shape or form? Not in the form of say, a chandelier?"

Jian shook his head. "I don't know what- wait, what the hell did you just say?"

"The chandelier." Zhuge Liang sighed. "The one that I used to crush Lord Zhou Yu."

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Shang Xiang took an involuntary step back as Zhuge Liang approached the bars of the gate. "Where's my father, you bastard? I know what you did to my brother's brother!"

Beside her, Ling Tong frowned. "Sun Quan?"

"Zhou Yu, idiot!" The princess back-handed Tong, then growled at Liang. "Where is he? What have you done with father?"

"Lord Sun Jian is fine," Zhuge Liang said. "He is currently waiting in my humble home, along with your brothers." The mystic chuckled slightly before looking right into Shang Xiang's eyes. "So, you discovered that it was I who killed Lord Zhou Yu, and have come to warn Lord Sun Jian. Brave girl- I must say I am impressed. No doubt you are struggling to grasp my motive for such a deed."

Gan Ning folded his arms. "Not really- gak!" Without turning, the princess' hand clamped around the pirate's throat. "I would guess it has something to do with you being a psychopath!"

"I assure you that I am quite sane. Ask my friends. . . hmm, well anyway. . ." He went silent for a moment. "Lords Sun Jian, Cao Cao, Yuan Shao are all presently waiting for me to decide with whom I shall side. Fear not, I have already informed your father of my role in Lord Zhou Yu's death, but it is obvious that you mean to drag him back to Wu. I cannot allow you to interfere with my plans. I shall choose to follow one of the three heroes. The others will die.

"Leave now, or suffer their fate."

Shang Xiang gritted her teeth. "Open the gate!"

Huang Gai smashed his rod into the gate's bars. "Release Lord Sun Jian immediately!"

Ling Tong folded his arms and leaned on Gai. "Yeah!"

Gan Ning cracked his knuckles "All for one, I guess."

Zhuge Liang stepped forward, becoming transparent and walking right through the iron bars, causing the others to step back. On the other side, he solidified again and raised one hand, which clutched another chicken. "Foolish mortals."

A pillar of golden light raced towards the Wu officers.

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"Like, WHAT," Sun Ce yelled. "OH MY GOD, YOU KILLED ZHOU YU?"

Sun Jian drew his sword and leapt onto the table.

Zhuge Liang nodded patiently. "Of course I did. I disguised myself in order to gain access to your palace, then slipped in during the feast. It was a simple matter of casting a spell to loosen several bolts fixing the chandelier to the ceiling. Killing him saw that you were no longer in possession of a competent strategist, and logic dictated that you would search for another. As I am the greatest strategist in the land, you would naturally come seeking me. Executing Zhou Yu was an invitation that you could not refuse."

"You're _so _totally gonna die!"

Sun Jian growled. "Yes, you will pay!"

The strategist shook his head and fixed Sun Jian with a tired gaze. "Please come down from my table, you angry little man." Jian hesitated, but advanced on Liang at Sun Ce's urging. Cao Cao and Yuan Shao scooted their chairs back. The mystic folded his arms casually. "Lord Sun Jian, I advise you to 'look on the bright side.' You have lost a rusted dagger, but may yet gain a katana."

Ce scowled. "What the fu- "

Sun Jian silenced his son with a wave of his sword. He rubbed his chin. "So. . . you're saying that I might come out of this better off, like double or nothing?"

"Double several times over. Now be seated." Reluctantly, the ruler of Wu did as he was told. Sun Ce put on a sulky face and said nothing.

Xiahou Dun grinned and kicked Guan Yu under the table. To his disappointment, the beardless warrior didn't flinch. Cao Cao raised a hand. "Am I the only one who thinks it's funny that a light fixture crushed that prissy little wanker?. . . Oh, come on- admit it's funny!"

From the other end of the table, Liu Bei cleared his throat. "I see. . . you invited Sun Jian here by subtly killing off Zhou Yu. What about Cao Cao's invitation?"

Cao blinked, then shook his head. "No, Gou Jia was eaten by my cannibalistic cousin. No invitation was- "

The strategist examined his fingernails. "While your former strategist slept, I marinated him in delicious dipping sauce- Lord Xiahou Dun's favourite."

Cao Cao twitched. "You did what?"

"I thought he was a little tangy," Xiahou Dun said. He then gasped and pointed at Zhuge Liang. "Then it was _you_ who killed Gou Jia!"

"I may have prepared the meal, but I did not eat it."

Zhang Fei snorted at Dun. "Nice try, lighthouse."

Guan Yu shook his head. "Dipping sauce. . .?"

Coa Cao pounded the table. "Why. Me?" He massaged his temples and sighed helplessly. "What about Colonel Mustard over there? _His_ strategists fell off a cliff!"

Yuan Shao eyed Zhuge Liang down his nose. "Quite right. Any suggestion that you had something to do with the incident is ludicrous."

"It is entirely conceivable, actually. Once I gained access to a copy of your castle's blueprints, it was a simple matter of altering them, hiding inside a large cake and being delivered to the cell of Tian Feng, Ju Shou, Shen Pei and Guo Tu, where I presented them with my gift. I then transfered my physical essence to the astral plain, and walked through the solid matter of the cell door. It was all so easy." _What kind of an imbecile would imprison four people in one 4 by 6 cell?_

Liu Bei frowned in puzzlement. "Why did you hide in a cake when you could have walked through the door?"

". . . Do you remember what I said about being a smart arse?" The ruler of Shu shrank back. "Now cease attempting to undermine my brilliant plans."

"Yes, quite brilliant." Yuan Shao folded his arms. "You saved me the trouble of having them executed for treason."

_Damn._ Liang's face remained expressionless. "Were you planning on Lord Feng Ji being crushed by half a tonne of gold, as well?"

The golden hero snorted. "I do not regularly shower employees with money, no."

"Suprise, suprise," Cao Cao muttered.

Sun Jian grunted. "Right, good, so we _were_ all invited, except for the inventor of peon stir fry." He nodded to Liu Bei, then turned to Zhuge Liang. "Now, if it wouldn't be too much trouble, decide who your going to serve!"

The mystic looked around the faces of varying intelligence and nodded slowly. "Very we- "

"First, let me say one thing," Yuan Shao interrupted, rising. "I shall give you a thousand gold pieces to join me! No- make it two thousand!"

"You can't do that, you rich bastard!", Cao Cao screeched.

"I have money, my friend; I can do whatever I please."

Cao's forehead vein convulsed. "W-well I have money, too!" He raised a hand. "Three thousand gold!"

"Four thousand," Yuan countered.

"Five!"

"Ten!"

"Grr, Yuan Shao's armour, after I gut him!"

Zhuge Liang clapped his hands, and the sound of a gong sounded through the room. The bidders froze, and by the fire Yue Ying whimpered and began to pace the room on all fours. Liang waited until the noise had faded. "My services cannot be purchased, you should know. I shall serve only one whom I deem to be worthy."

Liu Bei puffed out his chest. "I am worthy! Please give me another chance- you will see!"

"I have seen more than enough, Lord Liu Bei. Here." He reached into his robes and came out with a book, which he slid along to the other end of the table. "it is a first edition." _Perhaps you shall go away if I at least give you something._

Liu Bei gasped when he looked down at the book's cover. "Oh my!"

Guan Yu and Zhang Fei rose and came to Bei's side. "What is it? The Way of Peace? The original Art of War?"

Liu Bei shook his head. "No, much better!" He held it up for the others to see the title.

_**Zhuge Liang's The Tao of Towels**_

Bei clapped his hands excitedly. "First edition!"

"Brother, you are an idiot," Yu stated.

Zhang Fei chuckled as he read the back of the book. " 'By the world's leading authority on towels.' Who knew?"

Liu Bei snatched the book back. "No touching! Now come on, we're leaving!"

Guan Yu sighed. "You cannot be serious. . ."

Liang closed his eyes. _Again, too easy. . ._

**Next **(and **final**) part won't be too far away.

**EDIT: Reading back through this, **I can't say I'm happy with a lot of it (yes, I reserve the right to bag my own work.) My writing style changed slightly, and it took a little while to get back in the swing of ZLD- I'll try to do better with the last part. Thanks to The Providence Crow for the flesh weasels (if you remember suggesting them) They'll be around later...

**Obligatory self-plug (to balance the bagging): **I'm now also co-writing A Tale of Two Eras with author aliedcam1, under the pen name Terracam (see my profile.)


	11. Part 11

This is the last chapter. No, really.

**Part 11: The Decision**

"Thank you, Mr. Zhuge!" Liu Bei clutched _The Tao of Towels _to his chest and turned from the table. "I never dreamed of owning such a treasure!"

Guan Yu grabbed Liu Bei's arm. "Brother, Zhang Fei and I did not want to come here a third time, but we set aside our reservations and followed you anyway. Even though we knew that you grovelling to Zhuge Liang again was a retarded idea, we pressed on up the mountain because _you_ believed that you could convince the strategist to aid us. Now you tell us that you would rather go home and read a book about rags!" Yu's beard hopped about on his shoulders.

"Yes. I am quite happy to leave now," Bei replied.

Fei smacked his lips and looked around. "There anything to drink in this joint?"

Guan Yu roared. "If I had not been pissed out of my mind that night, I would never made a blood oath with you cretins!"

Zhang Fei folded his arms. "And I wouldn't have married _either_ of you!"

Liu Bei snorted. "And I would never have. . . what?"

"You know how it is when you're drunk, darlin'."

"That is why I no longer touch alcohol," Yu muttered.

Sun Jian rested his chin in one hand. "Are you three going or not?"

Liu Bei started for the door, but Guan Yu's massive frame cut in front of him. "We are not leaving until Master Zhuge has made decision. Give me that book, brother."

"Why would you want. . .?" Bei's expression hardened. "You mean to destroy it- no! Guan Yu, I order you to step aside!"

Guan Yu brought Black Dragon up and cracked his brother in the head. _The Tao of Towels _flew from Liu Bei's grasp as he toppled, and Yu stooped to catch it. Wasting no time, the tall warrior sent the book spinning into the fireplace, where it burst into flames. Bei's groan turned into a horrified gasp.

Guan Yu dusted his hands on his robe and resumed towering over his brother."Now, sit back down."

Zhuge Liang didn't bother to hide his disappointment as Bei crawled back to his seat. Zhang Fei took no notice of his brothers, and Cao Cao banged a fist down on the table. "Can we _finally _get on with it?"

"Of course," Zhuge Liang said. "Now, allow me to explain how this shall work. . ."

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The four Wu warriors dived aside as Liang's golden blast scorched into the mountain face. The impact threw the officers away forcefully, and the mystic petted his warchicken.

Ling Tong spread his arms wide and twisted gracefully in mid-air, landing lightly with his feet together. Huang Gai's form cannoned into the shrimpy warrior, blasting the air from his lungs and slamming him to the ground. Shang Xiang crashed into them both a second later.

Landing apart from the others, Gan Ning rolled and rose sneering."That the best you got?"

Liang frowned and dropped his warchicken, reaching into his robes "As it happens. . . no." The mystic pulled out a large, cylindrical object, comprised of many long, hollow metal tubes. Mounted on top was a small cross encompassed by a circle, and at one end was crank handle. Zhuge Liang aimed the contraption at Ning and began to turn the handle.

Gan Ning stared dumbly as the object's barrels began to spin, accompanied by a whiring noise. Short bursts of light streamed from the barrels, coming thick and fast and ripping into the stone behind the pirate. Ning ducked and hopped around as Liang cranked the device madly, golden 'bullets' whizzing by. The four Wu officers scampered over rocks and snow, finding cover behind a convenient boulder.

Zhuge Liang advanced slowly, his every move speaking of calmness and confidence. A flurry of the light blasts pounded the boulder, sending stone chips flying over the warriors' heads. "You have brought this upon yourselves. You should not have come."

Gan Ning growled. "This guy's friggin' nuts!

Ling Tong huddled in close to Shang Xiang and grinned. "Hi there, hotness. . ."

"Tong?"

"Yeah?"

Ling Tong's face cracked hard against the boulder. "Don't touch me."

"Someone, create a distraction!" Huang Gai whispered harshly as lasers flashed by on all sides, lighting up the night. Without asking questions, Gan Ning reached over and grabbed a dazed Ling Tong by the throat.

Zhuge Liang raised an eyebrow in suprise as one of the foolish mortals came flying over the boulder towards him, arms flailing. Releasing his grip on his magical gattling gun, he took a single, perfunctory step to the left. Ling Tong crashed into the ground where Liang had been standing, legs bent at awkward angles. "Oooo, that feels unnatural. . ."

Liang looked down on the officer's pitiful form and sighed. He leveled his magical weapon, its barrels beginning to spin again.

A meat bun-sized hunk of rock smashed into the mystic's forehead, sending him stumbling back with a strangled cry. Huang Gai shouted in victory and clamoured over the boulder, Ning and Shang Xiang following. By the time they reached Ling Tong's side though, Liang and his strange weapon had vanished. All that remained of the mystic was his chicken.

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"That's the most ridiculous thing I've heard all minute!" Cao Cao stormed. "How will _that _determine who is worthy?"

"I agree," Sun Jian voiced loudly. "Maybe you're not as smart as I had heard."

"Do not question my wisdom," Zhuge Liang said calmly. "Do you know how many stars there are in the sky, or the square root of 546 766?"

"What? Of course not."

"Well I do. So shut it." Without warning Liang slumped forward, blood trickling from his forehead. A second later the mystic raised a hand to calm the warriors. "I am fine," he assured them, sitting upright again with a hand held to his forehead. _It takes more than a hunk of rock to stop me. _"Do not fear."

Cao Cao folded his arms. "Ah yes- cranial stigmata. Nothing to worry about."

Liang ignored him and reached into his amazingly accomodating robe. He pulled out a clear bottle, made of dull blue glass. It was half full with sparkling liquid.

Zhang Fei's eyes lit up. "About time!"

Guan Yu stared at Fei for several long moments. "Be quiet, brother."

Zhuge Liang reached forward and carefully set the bottle on its side, directly between Liu Bei, Cao Cao, Sun Jian and Yuan Shao.

"And your alliegance hinges on a single spin of _that?" _Yuan Shao scoffed. "Ridiculous!"

Liu Bei stared at the bottle. "Can you not do something a bit more. . . mystical?"

"The bottle is enchanted," the strategist explained slowly, as though he were speaking to children. "The liquid within has incredible mystical properties, which I have not the patience to explain to you. . . laymen." Liang's eyes raked across the gathered heroes, settling on Zhang Fei. "None of you are to touch this. The bottle's enchantment is extremely delicate, and its power is limited. There is only enough for a single spin, one chance to determine who among you is worthy of my brilliance."

"This is bullshit," Xiahou Dun snapped.

"Silence," Liang said, leaving no room for further words. "It is time to spin the bottle. Whoever it points to shall be- "

Zhang Fei's hand shot out and wrapped around the bottle's neck, his thumb popping the cap. He lifted the vessel, snapped his head back and emptied its contents down his throat.

"No!" Zhuge Liang stumbled forward out of his chair. Liu Bei and Guan Yu's faces twisted in horror at their brother.

Fei wiped the back of his hand across his mouth. "Ahh, that's good stuff! Got any mo- " His face contorted weirdly. "Oh boy. . ."

Cao Cao shot to his feet. "You stupid fat _BASTARD!_"

Guan Yu folded his arms and looked away. "Bugger the oath; I do not know him."

"What does it do, that stuff he drank?" Liu Bei demanded of Liang.

"Cleans out drains, one would hope," Yuan Shao growled.

"Oooo, I don't feel good. . ."

Zhuge Liang sighed. "Any pain or disomfort he feels are temporary. There should be no physical side-effects, though it will likely lower his IQ further into the minus digits."

The sound of ripping cloth filled the air, and a muscular arm burst from the right side of Zhang Fei's torso. Another sprouted from his left.

Liang shrugged. "I did say 'should be.' "

Sun Ce blinked. "That's some Willy Wonka shit."

"I was thinking Mortal Kombat," Xiahou Dun voiced.

Sun Jian drew his sword and cleaved a chunk off the table. "What the hell do we do now? Master Zhuge said there was only one chance, and that bloated shithead just ruined it!"

"Yes, it is _impossible _to decide anything without a _bottle," _Guan Yu said sarcastically. He glaced sideways at Fei. "For some of us."

Yuan Shao snorted. "We all know that it would have chosen me, anyway."

"Says the King with the Golden Crotch," Cao Cao retorted.

Shao smiled. "I shall take that as a compliment, old friend."

"Gold is a soft metal."

Liu Bei eyed Zhang Fei's two new arms warily. "Brother. . . how do you feel now?"

"Zonked," the fat warrior slurred.

Cao Cao started pacing, then spun on his heel. With teeth bared, he slammed his hands flat on the table. "That's IT! I've had enough of this whole bloody thing! Zhuge Liang, if you don't decide who to serve within the next ten seconds, I'm just going to fucking kill you."

Liang's guests collectively gaped, but the mystic's only change in expression was to raise a single eyebrow.

"It has already been decided."

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Sun Shang Xiang stared defiantly at the iron gates of Zhuge Liang's garden. No matter how hard she made Huang Gai try, they refused to buckle.

Gai hurled his iron club aside. It was bent almost beyond recognition. "I am sorry, Lady Sun. I do not think we can get in there."

The princess growled. "I'm not giving up- put your back into it!"

Close to an hour passed, and the four were still on the outside looking in.

Ling Tong sighed heavily. "Dammit, there's just no way in!"

"Great, then can we go home now?" Gan Ning asked hopefully.

Shang Xiang ignored the question and folded her arms. "Whoever finds a way in gets to marry me."

Ling Tong threw himself at the iron bars. "OPENOPENOPEN!"

"Who'd want to marry her?" Gan Ning muttered. "She's got the gene that made Sun Quan."

Huang Gai looked around the dark summit for a few moments, deep in thought. It was several moments before he registered the soft clucking coming from near his foot. Zhuge Liang's warchicken looked up at Gai innocently.

Shang Xiang, Ning and Tong turned as Gai cleared his throat. He was holding the chicken upside down by the legs. The bird was flapping its wings in a frenzy. "Look, it is the wizard's familiar! Maybe it can be of use to us."

Gan Ning sniggered. "Don't point your cock at me, old man."

Ling Tong smirked. "It's a chicken, retard."

"I know that, Kung Fu Barbie."

The warchicken squaked as Huang Gai shook it. "Lady Sun, what do you think? If we could get it to shoot one of those. . . beams at the gate, then. . ."

"And how are we supposed to do that?," the princess demanded. "It's a magic chicken- do you see any levers?"

Huang Gai shook his head. "It must work somehow. We just need to find what sets it off." To accentuate, he pulled one of the bird's legs. It screeched loudly, but didn't cough up a laser. Gai shrugged and pulled the other leg.

Several minutes of poking and proding the chicken did nothing but piss the bird off. Gan Ning looked up from where he lazed against a rock. "Give it up, old man. "

Ling Tong crashed into the gate with a scissor kick. The clanging reverberated along the fence.

Huang Gai grunted. "There must be something we haven't tried. . ."

"Maybe the controls are up its arse," Tong muttered as he rose unsteadily. He noticed the older man staring at him, and noticed the other two staring as well. He took a step back. "Ooooh no, no way am I sticking my hand up. . ."

". . . this is disgusting. Huang Gai, I really, truly hate you." Ling Tong drove his hand in deeper. The chicken's eyes bulged.

Shang Xiang shielded her eyes with one hand. "Gross. When this is over, you are having that hand cut off."

"This's gotta to be the happiest moment of my life," Gan Ning chuckled.

Ling Tong pressed his assault on the bird's rectum. "Getting turned on, corsair?"

"No, but the chicken is."

"Enough!" Huang Gai boomed. "Ling Tong, have you found anything that might. . . you know. . . help?"

"I found there's plenty of room in here. Other than that, no. . . wait! Something metallic. . . I think it's a. . . lever. I'm going to pull it. . ."

Gan Ning waved his arms and stepped away. "Hey, wait a- "

A blast of golden light shot out from the warchicken's gaping beak. Night seemed like day for a moment, and Ning was hurled aside as the pillar of light tore through rock and iron.

The light subsided, and the remains of Zhuge Liang's gate clattered to the stone. Ling Tong grinned. "Hah! So Lady Sun, when are we getting married?"

The princess gestured disdainfully to the chicken still planted firmly on the man's hand. "How about you keep your hand, and I keep mine?" Without waiting for a reply, she ran off into Liang's garden. Gai followed close behind. Gan Ning staggered to his feet and dusted himself off. "I think you can stop the cavity search now, loverboy."

Ling Tong looked down to his chicken-coated hand. "Oh, er. . . right." He grabbed the bird by the throat and started to pull. And pull. The chicken swore in its native language. Tong gritted his teeth and hopped about wildly. "I-it's stuck! Grr, come on. . . you. . . bastard!"

"New happiest moment of my life," Ning declared with a grin. He turned and followed Huang Gai into Liang's garden. "I'm _so _glad I came here."

"H-hey! Help me, dammit!"

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"Tell. Me. Who!," Cao Cao grated dangerously, cutting the air with his sword. "One more thimble-full of bullshit and I'll plant you in your garden!"

"Sticks and stones, Lord Cao Cao." Zhuge Liang cleared his throat. "But, as you wish. From this day forth I shall serve Lord. . .

. . . Zhang Fei."

"WHAT!?," the room shouted.

Cao Cao's forehead vein pulsed violently as he took a determined step towards Liang. Liu Bei and Guan Yu stared at their brother in disbelief, and Zhang Fei flexed his four heavily-muscled arms. Yuan Shao sat still, mouth hanging open.

"How the freezing frigging hell did you work that out?," Sun Jian demanded, rising. Sun Ce rose beside his father, and Sun Quan giggled as he poked himself in the eye.

Zhuge Liang glided slowly around the table to the fireplace, depression etched on his firelit face. "It is not my fault. Do you honestly think that I would choose to serve. . . that? He smells like a brewery full of burning dog faeces." The mystic narrowed his eyes. "He did, however, drink the Divining Liquid. By default, I am to serve him."

"Absurd!" Cao roared. "You will serve ME!"

"Incorrect. I will serve Zhang Fei, who drank the liquid."

Yuan Shao snatched up the empty blue bottle and shook it over his open mouth. "Come on, damn you!" He slammed it down on the table a moment later. "That fat bastard drank it _all!_"

Fei grinned and belched. "Wow, I get a drink, two extra arms _and _a new slave- must be my birthday or something!" He scratched at his beard and turned to the strategist.. "All right, Colonel Sanders, put the chicken down and listen good-"

"Shut up." Liang folded his arms, looking even more cheated than Cao Cao. "I do not like this situation any better than you do," he told Cao and the others with a sour face. "The only way that I could serve someone else now would be if Zhang Fei were to. . . die."

Cao Cao grabbed the blue bottle and smashed it on the table edge. "I'll do it!"

As the bottle-wielding Cao came flying across the table, Guan Yu swept Black Dragon across to smash the Wei ruler in the face. As Cao slid off the table, the Shu warrior glanced at Fei and swore. "My apologies, Lord Cao Cao. Please continue."

Even with two extra arms, Zhang Fei backed off as the other guests started to close in, a dazed but determined Cao Cao leading the way. Xiahou Dun grinned wickedly as he drew his scimitar, and Guan Yu's beard held the discarded broken bottle menacingly.

Fei raised his four arms before him. "Aw, come on! Don't you think you're being a bit hasty? Liu Bei? Bro?"

"You ate my cookies, Zhang Fei. I want a pound of flesh."

Fei backed off faster. "Oh, holy shit. . ."

Now atop the table, Zhuge Liang fanned himself with more poultry, taking some satisfaction from the scene.

Fei fell a wall against his back. His small mind raced. "Uh, er, uh. . . " A light went off in his head. "Xiahou Dun shagged Yue Ying!"

". . ." Zhuge Liang was silent. All eyes except the mystic's averted Dun abruptly.

Dun shifted nervously and cleared his throat. "T-that's a lie!"

Guan Yu hung his head. "Zhang Fei, you idiot."

Yue Ying growled at her new mate's denile, and Liang studied her beastly face. "Yue Ying. . . is what Lord Zhang Fei said true?"

"NO!," Cao Cao shouted. "It's a lie! Why would he even _touch _that loathsome bitch- she looks like something a cat coughed up, pissed on and-and . . . should I stop talking now?"

"That would be advisable," Liang stated coldly. "Ying? Answer me!"

"Love is blind," Sun Jian muttered. "Half blind, anyway."

Sun Ce elbowed his father and nodded to the strategist. "Dude, he looks, like, really angry."

"I think we should be going now," Liu Bei said, edging away from Zhuge Liang, Dun and Ying.

Yuan Shao made for the door. "I just remembered I have a mustache appointment. . ."

The mystic snapped his fingers and sheets of roaring fire sprang up, surrounding those in the room. He turned slowly to face Xiahou Dun, and with his outraged expression and the backdrop of flames he looked something like Sephiroth. On crack.

"None of you shall be leaving here alive." Liang pulled a small remote control from his robe. "But first, there are pests in my garden."

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Gan Ning took a running leap over a garden gnome's laser, rolling as he hit the ground only to come face-to-face with another pipe-smoking statue. Huang Gai pulled the pirate aside as a red laser burst from the gnome's unzipped fly.

Shang Xiang cartwheeled by another gnome, Ling Tong running at her side, chicken still on hand. The four soon stood in a tight circle, looking out at the maze of squat sentinels as they caught their breath..

"All right," Ning wheezed. "Doesn't look like these little bastards can move. We just gotta stay- "

The sound of stone grating on stone filled the night. Garden gnomes all around began to pivot slowly, turning towards the small band from Wu. The four were moving before the first laser was fired.

Red beams criss-crossed in every direction. As he ran, Ling Tong rasied his clucking gauntlet and returned fire. The maze lit up like daytime as the golden pillar blew a gnome to fragments. The shrimpy officer continued to fire the warchicken wildly, bringing up the rear of the group.

Shang Xiang ducked behind an over-sized and inanimate gnome, which stood at the centre of the labyrinth. Gai, Ning and Tong threw themselves behind it too, but it provided little cover as the beams sliced in. Tong leaned out to blast another gnome. "Uh, are we hiding behind a giant Cao Cao statue?"

As if in answer, a laser cut through the huge gnome's neck, and its head slid off neatly and crashed to the tiles. Cao Cao's sneering visage stared up blankly, and Gan Ning shrieked involuntarily.

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From the ceiling dangled a single, thick chain. Suspended in the air by that chain was a cage. Said cage was large and dome-shaped, and was rocking gently over a rather large pit. Inside the cage were Liang's guests, all now disarmed.

"Cao Cao," Dun began.

"YOU'RE FIRED!" the Wei ruler roared.

"But I gave you the best years of my life- and an eye!"

"Xiahou Yuan shot it out; that hardly counts!"

Yuan Shao swore nobely. "Cao Cao, this is your fault! If you commoners didn't try to mate with anything that moves- "

"As opposed to you, who mates with Zhang He?"

Guan Yu grabbed the cage's bars and looked down. Standing not far from the edge of the pit was Zhuge Liang, once again looking calm and unruffled. To his right crouched Yue Ying, and to his left a long, metal lever was set into the stone floor. Yu growled. "This is outrageous! Release us immediately!"

"Yeah!" Zhang Fei yelled. "Xiahou Dun's the only one you want!"

"Hey!"

Liang reached down to stroke Ying's coarse hair. "You _all _attempted to hide Lord Xiahou Dun's. . . activities from me."

"Cause we knew you'd go apeshit!" Sun Ce protested.

"Irrelevant. Your one-eyed colleague and my wife-"

"You couldn't give her what she needed!" Dun yelled down. Cao Cao banged his head against the bars.

The mystic's eyes glowed with rage. "The only thing that you could give my wife is the pox." Yue Ying showed her fangs and lifted her scythe. Liang smiled. "Ah, my sweet little angel of death. . ."

"Why isn't _she _up here?" Cao Cao demanded. "It's not like Dun worked alone!"

"I forgive my Yue Ying. We all make mistakes."

"That'd be bloody right," Cao bitched. "You cannot blame cousin for this- he's insane! He tried to eat his own brother's damn head!"

The mystic ignored Cao and turned away, walking over to a large plush chair, Ying padding along beside him. Without looking back Liang said, "Of course, I _could _put her in the cage with you, if that is what you truly wish."

"Hell no, you keep that psycho away! I'm not going to- "

"Enough, Cao Cao," Liu Bei said wearily. "You will only make it worse."

"Shove it, hippie! The only way this could be worse is if you and Zhang Fei started making out. 'Oh, you're like half an octopus!' God help us if you can't control your urges, either."

Zhang Fei stood up fast. "Brother is _not _an octopus!"

"What's inside your head, another stomach?," Cao snapped.

Liu Bei made vigorous calming motions with his hands. "This is not constructive! We shouldn't argue and fight- rather work together in peace!"

"Peace, peace, peace!" the Wei ruler sneered. "What are you, Bono and Geldof's love child?"

"Will you two shut up and let my brilliant mind work?" Yuan Shao growled. "I can't hear myself think!"

"You're not missing anything," Sun Jian quipped.

Cao Cao sniggered.

Sun Ce nudged Sun Jian. "Pop. . . I gotta go to the toilet. For real this time."

"Oh, for the love of god, Ce!"

Guan Yu rubbed his velcroed chin forlornly as he backed away from the Wu prince. He instead looked down on Zhuge Liang. "How long do you intend to keep us like this? Our allies and friends know exactly where we are!"

Looking up from his chair, Liang smiled faintly. "Fear not; I shall only be keeping you another. . . four minutes." The mystic rose again, approaching the pit.

Yu frowned in suprise. "Are you serious? You went through all of this, and now you are letting us go?"

"I am sorry, did I say that I was letting you go?" The mystic's hand reached for the metal lever jutting from the floor. "Will you not stay supper?"

He pulled the lever, and with a heavy clunk and the grinding of chains, the cage slowly began to descend. Towards the pit.

"He's letting us go, right?" Ce asked.

"I am afraid you have outstayed your welcome," the man in white continued. "Did you know that two flesh weasals can strip a human body of all meat in under seven seconds?"

"Come on, how the hell'd we know that? That's gotta be the most obscure fact in-" Zhang Fei paused. "Uh, why'd you ask?"

In the pit, many small, furry things growled.

"Oh."

"Hang on, you're gonna to feed us to weasels?" Sun Ce laughed. "Dude, that is so _lame_.I mean, like, where's the sharks with fricken' laser beams?"

"Shut up, Ce," Jian barked. The cage continued to wind its way downwards. "So, we're going to fed to flesh-eating animals. . ."

"So much for not being evil!" Cao Cao shouted. "You're insane, Liang!"

"No, Lord Cao Cao; I am a genius." He rubbed his chin. "Any last requests; a quick sing-song perhaps? Do any of you know 'Starman'?"

The heroes crowded closer to the centre of the cage, away from the bars. Liu Bei whimpered. "But I'm the Good Guy. . ."

Sun Jian looked about frantically as the cage dropped lower. "Okay Jigsaw, who are you planning to serve once you kill us all?"

The chain and cage jerked to a stop.

"I . . ." Zhuge Liang stood silently for several moments. ". . . Meng Huo. . . I suppose. I never really thought about it."

"Hah, _Meng Huo! _You'd have less chance of being eaten if you joined Liu Bei!" Cao Cao shook his head. "You really should let me down. It's not too late for us to forget this whole thing ever happened."

The cage jerked into motion again, continuing to lower. Cao hurled himself against the bars. "You unhinged little nerd! Let me out of here!"

Sun Jian hit the bars beside Cao. "Release us immediately!" He fell back. "I feel like a-a-"

"Tiger in a cage," Liu Bei finished helpfully.

"Flegggle!" Sun Quan announced, putting both his fists in his mouth.

Zhuge Liang fanned himself lazily. "You should know that most of you were doomed from the moment you set foot on my mountain. Once my new lord had been chosen, it was always my intention to kill the rest of you." He sighed. "My plan was brilliant, truly brilliant. Through cunning manipulation I drew you all here, and through-"

"Will you get the fuck _OVER _yourself?" Cao Cao roared. "You've got a god complex, we get it, all right? This fic's almost over and we're about to be eaten alive by _flesh weasels_. I think we'd all appreciate it if you'd just _SHUT UP!" _

". . . . . Oh . . . . . fine then. If that is how you feel." The mystic turned from them slowly, walking back to his chair. "Watch the females; they tend to eat the tesicles first."

Xiahou Dun stretched an arm out of the cage desperately. "Ying, I know our time together was short, but did it mean nothing to you?"

"Ow, she bit my finger!" Dun stuck the digit in his mouth, and teetered on the edge of another psychotic trance.

The cage began to sink into the darknesss of the weasel pit. Sun Ce jumped up and grabbed the roof of the cage, soiling himself in the process. _Oh yeah, that's been bugging me all day. . . _"Uh, dudes, if you can get us out of here, like, now'd totally be a good time!"

"Yes, because escaping before now would have just been _silly,_" Sun Jian muttered sarcastically.

"Freeze, Jareth!" Sun Shang Xiang yelled, bursting into the room. "Return my brother. . . s . . . and father!" Behind her came Gai, Ning and Tong. The last one in bent to one knee and fired his warchicken. A thick blast of light scorched into the wall near Liang.

"Hell yeah!" Ce yelled.

Jian grinned, then scowled. "Shang Xiang, the lever! Hurry!" Scores of narrow red eyes glinted in the darkness just below.

Liang frowned, but ignored the blast from Tong's chicken. "So, you made it through my labyrinth. I thought the gnomes would have taken care of you. . . oh well. Ying, kill them."

The mystic's wife lunged at Shang Xiang, scythe held low. The princess crossed her chakrams and snapped a roundhouse kick into the beast woman's face. Xiahou Dun looked jealous as they began to fight.

Huang Gai rushed to the cage and grabbed two bars. His muscles bulged as he tried to keep it from dropping further. Gan Ning ran for the lever, Ling Tong beside him. Zhuge Liang fired his warchicken at the duo, barely missing. Tong lifed his own warchicken to return fire as Ning grabbed for the lever.

The strategist lifted his hand as Tong's golden beam raced towards him. A yin and yang symbol backed by a shield of green light appeared before Liang, dispersing the blast. "Foolish, foolish, foolish. . ."

Thanks to Gan Ning, the cage's descent halted again, two feet from the bottom of the pit. Close to a hundred flesh weasels growled and hissed, thier gleaming white fangs and red eyes a contrast to their coarse black fur. One scrambled up into the cage, and the metal prison's balance tipped as everyone fled to the left side. The weasel slid down the now-slanted floor towards them, grinning evilly.

"EEEK, VERMIN!" Yuan Shao clutched his crotch protectivly and scrambled aside. Arms flailing, the weasel skidded past him and out the other side of the cage. Another weasel clambered aboard.

"Kick it off!" Cao Cao yelled. "Xiahou Dun!"

Dun folded his arms. "I'm not giving you any more of my balls!"

Cao swore. "Liu Bei, you don't have any gonads- kick the bloody thing!"

"And risk my beautiful straw shoes?"

The weasel scampered forward hungrily. It was over a foot long.

Sun Jian grabbed Sun Quan by the ankles and swung him, swatting the ravenous creature out of the cage. Quan's head smashed into the bars with a hollow clang.

Lasers flashed by above the pit. "Shang Xiang, bring us up!" Jian called.

The princess fended off a sweeping scythe strike and glanced to Huang Gai and Gan Ning. They were trying to reverse the lever. "Father, hold on!"

More flesh weasels were climbing over the lip of the cage, coming faster. The flow began to thicken, and the heroes started kicking wildly, their legs rising and falling rapidly and their boots clicking on the cage floor. A fiddle almost started playing in the background.

Soon there were too many weasels to turn back. The valiant warriors were about to be overwhelmed when suddenly. . . the furry tide stopped dead. Slitted red eyes widened in awe as the stared up at the heroes.

"What is going on?" Liu Bei whispered. "Why have they stopped?"

"I don't care!" Cao Cao yelled, kicking an unmoving creature. "What are you waiting for- now's our chance!"

The flesh weasels remained still as their comrade was booted from the cage. Their heads were tilted back, gazing up at. . .

Guan Yu cleared his throat. "Why are they. . . staring at me?"

"Because you look so tasty," Liu Bei said disquietingly. It was true. Not about Yu looking tasty, the other thing. The weasels all stared up at the red-faced man.

Another weasel caught the Cao Cao Express.

Guan Yu's beard dropped to the floor with a soft thud. It picked itself up hastily and stepped forward. The weasels drew back. Rows and rows of the furry black creatures rose and fell as they bowed, as if in worship.

"What. . . the hell," Zhang Fei murmured.

"I'm not seeing this," Sun Jian assured himself. "This is insane."

Liu Bei looked around nervously as Cao Cao ejected another creature. "Brother. . ."

Guan Yu knelt down beside his beard. "Steve? Why are they. . .?" The silken shape drew itself up to whisper in his ear. Yu's eyes widened. He rose slowly, needing support from Liu Bei.

"It seems. . . that Steve is. . . a flesh weasel," Guan Yu said mutely. "He is their ancient god reincarnate. These are his people."

"Bull and shit," Sun Jian muttered half-heartedly, looking around.

"But he's already a god!" Dun protested. "Greedy bastard!"

Zhang Fei folded all of his arms. "Maybe your eye could've been a god- you know, if you hadn't eaten it."

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Shang Xiang's unconscious form was tossed carelessly aside by Yue Ying, but not before the beast woman had slapped a 'resevered' sticker across her forehead. With a roar, Huang Gai ran in to take up the fight with her.

Zhuge Liang floated across the floor. "That is my chicken, Lord Ling Tong. Why do you have your hand up its rectum?"

"Isn't that how you. . . " Tong wrinkled his nose. "Aw, dammit!"

The cage rose from the pit, and a blast from Ling Tong's chicken cleaved through the bars on one side. Half the cage fell open, and the heroes piled out. They were followed by a stampede of flesh weasels. As the heroes scrambled to where their weapons were heaped, Yue Ying leaped over Huang Gai to land beside Zhuge Liang. She circled him defensivly.

Cao Cao pointed his sword at Liang. "Show's over, Gandalf! Put your cock away!"

"I see you have somehow managed to turn Yue Ying's family against me. That goes to show you never can trust the in-laws, I suppose." The mystic sheathed his warchicken and looked around at the pointy things aimed at him. He clapped his hands once. "Well, quite a turnout. I must say I that did not see this coming."

"Charlatan," Sun Jian muttered. "See the future my arse."

"Your ass can see the future?"

"Shut up, Ce."

Zhuge Liang frowned sharply. "I cannot see everthing, Lord Sun Jian. However, I _can _see that Wu has been left in the capable hands of Da and Xiao Qiao. They have turned your palace into a colossal doll house."

Jian twitched. He mentally put the sisters on the 'to-kill' list, below Sun Quan and Sun Ce.

Yuan Shao approached Liang and Ying, sword extended. He, Liu Bei and Sun Jian drew level with Cao Cao, and together the faced Liang. "It is time to meet your maker, you treacherous-"

Liang raised a hand for silence, and the four swords dipped slightly. "I have decided that I shall serve Liu Bei after all."

The silence was loud.

Cao Cao's mouth hung open for several seconds before it formed words. "That's not. . . you can't. . . what about that fat shit?" He waved his sword at Zhang Fei. "He drank your fruity magic grog, remember?"

Liang smiled slightly. "Yes, there is a funny thing. According to the Rulebook, that actually did not count at all. My mistake."

Liu Bei beamed. "Thank you, Mr. Zhuge! Together we shall restore the Han, and bring about the age of laughing puppies!" Fei grinned, and even Guan Yu's lips formed what could pass for a smile.

"Hold on one goddamn second!," Cao Cao stormed. "You're choosing that pissant over _me? _He's a weakling! He eats people, remember?"

Zhuge Liang made his way over to the Shu ruler. "So you are fond of reminding us. However, Lord Cao Cao, your, Lord Sun Jian's and Lord Yuan Shao's strategists seem to have a tendancy to die untimely deaths. Lord Liu Bei has no such reputation."

"That's because he didn't have anyone worth killing!"

The mystic shrugged and turned. "Come, Lord Liu Bei, we have plans to make. Let me tell you about what I like to call 'the Three Kingdoms.' " The Brothers Shu hurried after Zhuge Liang, Yue Ying and a stampede of flesh weasels trailing.

Xiahou Dun watched Ying leave sadly. "We could have been good together. . ."

Yuan Shao hurled his sword to the floor. "Intolerable! What an _outrage!_"

"Just bloody brilliant," Sun Jian spat. "Liu _frigging _Bei! He wasn't even in the running before!"

Shang Xiang limped forward. "Father, I'm so glad you're- "

"Liu _Bei!_" Jian continued over his daughter. "That's actually almost funny. . ."

"It's about as funny as a burning supply depot!" Shao snapped.

"Liu Bei, always Liu Bei!" Cao shouted, waving is arms. "What did _he _ever do to deserve anything?"

Jian shook his head. "Probably all that 'ruling justly and helping the poor.' "

"If god had intended poor people to be happy he would have given them money," Yuan Shao huffed.

"What the hell are we supposed to do now?" Cao growled. "There aren't any other decent strategists around. . . unless. . ."

Zhuge Liang's head poked back around the corner. "Oh, and you will be happy to know that I have decided not to kill you; you are all free to leave." He paused thoughtfully. "I have heard that Sima Yi is in the market for a new lord. Perhaps you may wish to climb _his _mountain now."

As Liang retreated once more, the remaining heroes looked around the room, avoiding eye contact with each other.

Sun Jian rubbed his neck and looked at the ceiling. "Well, I'm not going."

"Oh, no," Cao Cao said dismissively. "Me either. Too much effort after all this."

Yuan Shao bent to retrieve his sword. "I agree. I have no intention of seeking out this. . . Sime Yi fellow."

Sun Jian nodded. "Let's all just go home."

Cao Cao hammered his boot into Yuan Shao's balls. As the man collapsed, the Wei ruler sprinted across the room. "Come, Xiahou Dun!"

The one-eyed general ran after his lord. "Is Sima Yi married?"

Sun Jian swore and took off after Cao, grabbing Quan and Ce as he went.

"You bastards," Shao mewed as hobbled after the others.

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Somewhere to the north, atop a lone mountain, Sima Yi sat upon an overstuffed purple bean bag. Fanning himself with a dead vulture, the strategist smiled. Then began to giggle.

"Hehehe-heeeehahahahahaAHAHAHAHAAA- "

Yi's helmet slipped down over his eyes.

"Shit."

**THE END**

**There you have it.** Thanks a lot to everyone who R&Red, and for suggestions via reviews.


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